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Is this going towards recovery???


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#1 JoMe

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Posted 10 February 2021 - 10:17 AM

I don't know if this is recovering or not... But to present the whole situation.
Three weeks ago I tried to stop smoking (normal cigarettes). Now, although my situation involved continuous and humongous stress for the last 2 years (!), due to not being able to find a job, being in a new country, living completely isolated because we're in a very rural area, feeling discriminated, missing our country so much etc, I still decided to try it... During the day it was annoying, but I pulled through.
But that night was pure terror. I wasn't able to sleep, anxiety was through the roof, whenever I closed my eyes images just rushed randomly with no logic, so more anxiety. I thought something really bad was happening to me like a heart attack, so more anxiety... I felt the need to continously move, agitated etc.
I eventually fell asleep around 3am.
The next day... I started feeling weird.

And it didn't stop until evening, so when my husband came home, after an hour I just couldn't stand that feeling and the anxiety and the stress, so I just had a nervous breakdown crying uncontrollably, feeling pure despair that we moved here for nothing and so on, plus the fear caused by the feeling that wasn't going away, plus anxiety. I was actually shaking, and could barely speak that's how hard I was crying.

And since then I've been into this state. If in the first week it was the "I'm in a dream" feeling, now it evolved to "I cannot connect to my thoughts and innerself/there is a window between me and the world/myself".

I think, act, feel emotions just the same, but it's like there is an actual blockage over my brain that keeps me from REALLY connecting to all of these things, but I can't explain what connect means since it's a feeling...and that is why I still have the rest of the symptoms like feeling weird when I hear my own voice etc.

It's like the rational part works just fine, but even as I'm writing I have the feeling that this isn't actually happening, it's like I'm zoned out/unaware, but I'm fkn not since I'm realizing all of this and how weird and unpleasant it feels!

That's why I call it a "blanket" because I just feel that fck it, I feel normal in the back, but in the same time there's this weird perception that keeps me away from getting rid of this condition.
It's like "a blank/nothingness/gap" over my innerself. I don't know how to express this feeling/perception.

And the bigest problem is that I have short moments when I reconnect 90%, but then in a second I pull that blanket back involuntarily checking if that feeling has disappeared.
Yesterday evening I had one of the classic anxiety attacks because of that "I feel real, but so unreal/blankness feeling, I am actually going crazy", and I almost started crying because I actually feel that it's a battle with myself that I cannot win.

It's not about thinking, but the perception/feeling is so overwhelming that I just cannot pretend it's not there or "accept it". I managed to do it a couple of times, but I couldn't keep it for long.

I can think something like "oh, that guy is so annoying" and it actually irritates me, or I can watch a show and laugh, I am extremely rational, but I FEEL that disconnection always in the back of my brain.
And it's like I'm bringing it upon myself everytime I feel a bit better :(.
Only if something requires my full attention and doesn't give any inch for checking the weird feelings, only then I feel 100% fine. But...that rarely happens since it's become an obsession and because I'm all alone all day with nothing to do and having nowhere to go.

So am I heading towards recovery in any way?

#2 JoMe

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Posted 11 February 2021 - 04:12 AM

Great...

#3 Findmywayhome

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Posted 11 February 2021 - 06:56 PM

First of all I can relate ALOT when it comes to your symptoms. Like my emotions are barely inhibited but at the same time I dont feel a connection to them, its weird.

So what Ive gathered is youve only been dissociated for three weeks? That is a super short time period, there is a lot of flexibility in ykur state and therefore theres a good chance you can bring yourself out of it. On the same token, in the early stages it feels super novel so that will compel the sufferer to be constantly hyper aware from their illness and feel a lot of negative emotions because of its presence. Ive had this for almost six months now, and In the first two months I remember thinking that I already accepted it, but couldn’t be farther from the truth. I feel as though now I can finally say that ive accepted it quite a bit, I use to ramble endlessly on this forum about my disorder, constantly reality checking, all that shit, but now its just a constant ache that doesnt go away, and it still sucks, but not as much as it used to I guess.

So point is, do not be concerned about your compulsion to immediately bring the disorder back by thinking about it when you feel as if you are getting better, that is completely normal in the first three weeks. Just be patient, eventually that obsession will fade, at least for me it did.

One other thing. Seems like yours is heavily anxiety and stress related, I would honestly guess you dont even have primary depersonalization but rather secondary, which is a far less serious, and more temporary form. So I would seek therapy and maybee medication to treat anxiety. Best of luck

#4 JoMe

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Posted 12 February 2021 - 03:00 AM

Thanks so much for your reply.
Yes, I'm under a lot of stress and before that episode with trying to quit smoking, I had a period of about 3 weeks when whenever I went to bed, I felt a fear my stomac that made me super agitated and couldn't sleep.
That's because of the fact that I miss my family so much and I got tired of it. I start crying immediately as I see or hear a video from my country and it's like the pain is almost fizical ...
But the worst is that I've been rejected for two years because I'm not French, and I feel that we'll never be able to build a future since I'm not able to get a job. And as much as I try to deal with it, I can't, because it doesn't depend on me and I feel powerless.
I'm trying to accept it too since wherever I looked, this was the main rule everyone talks about.
Yesterday it was a bit better regarding the scared feeling. But like you, it's not really accepting it, but I'm still trying to, because the feeling is weird as f, and like a lot of us, I'm afraid I'll lose control if I do it.
On the other hand, I keep telling myself that "hey, it's still me no matter how weird it feels. If nothing happened till now, then it's ok, it will pass"... So it's like a continuous glitch.

But I am exhausted, so sometimes I feel that I can't even think about accepting it because my mind is too tired and don't feel connected to my thoughts or can't concentrate on them.
But thanks again for your reply. Not having anyone respond only brought more anxiety, because I thought that nobody relates to what's happening... I wish you all the best and I'm sure you'll pull through too. It's just hard work, but we need to do it.

#5 Findmywayhome

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Posted 12 February 2021 - 11:52 PM

Needless to say, it seems like you are going through a very hard time in your life without a doubt, and then quitting smoking on top of that certainly doesn’t help.

I am by no means an expert on mental illness, but the way I see it— based on all my research, is this; the onset of mental illness is caused primarily by two factors; external adversity, and a genetic predisposition to certain mental illnesses. Everyone has varying degrees of genetic vulnerability to illness, and varying degrees of external adversity. One could be relatively mentally strong, but if they have to face a huge wave of unremitting adversity or trauma in there life then they can very well fall mentally ill. On the contrary, if one is mentally weak, it wouldn’t take much external adversity for them to become mentally ill, if anything at all. I posit that mental illness as a result of genetic vulnerability may be tougher to get out of, (of course its never impossible) because genetics are more immutable and chronic. Mental illness caused by external circumstance on the other hand, may be just as severe, but I believe it is likely more temporary, and easier to get out of.

This is all to say, I think your mentall illness is a result of external circumstance. And I feel if you can rectify the external forces causing your suffering in life, your mental illness can begin remission. And im not just saying this, I genuinely believe this. I hope perhaps this can give you some hope and optimism. Because I really believe this will be a temporary problem in your life, not a lifelong struggle.




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