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Why does life feel so weird?


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#1 zigman

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Posted 21 January 2021 - 11:08 AM

Boy, this quarantine sure leads to some weird overthinking and crazy thoughts.

 

It's been about 4 months since I last went to school and saw my friends, I've never been out to school for this long and that could be the reason, but why do I feel like none of my memories make sense or belong to me, it's like someone put them inside my head and all of the Pre-DPDR memories I think of now date back to 2-5 years ago and not just those few months ago? This gives me stress and a lot of anxiety, I think that I'm a bit crazy, when I know that's impossible because if I'm self-aware of my "crazy" situation that means I'm not. I also over-analyze life a lot, even this forum seems weird to me and the entirety of life, like life is an actual unscripted movie that requires your will and choices and you cannot stop it in place, neither can anyone else. The biggest thoughts I have about life for example are "What is this "life"?, What is it made of, How am I capable of moving my eyes, nose, mouth and other body parts just with my brain, telepathically. The memory "symptom" is like, I can recall stuff that happened yesterday, last week and the months I spent in quarantine with my DPDR, but it's hard to believe I used to live a normal life and go to school, socialise a lot with friends and people I knew, it all seems odd to me, but I remember.

 

I have quit this forum about a month ago and now I came back, because I'm scared. Scared of being alone, to actually go insane and being permanently stuck like this the rest of my "life" if that's what you want to call it. These symptoms also cause a feeling of alienation, like I don't exactly recognize anyone I once knew, but I still have memories.

 

If anyone could respond and explain or tell me how to deal with this and what was your experience with this, I would appreciate it.



#2 jessie123

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Posted 21 January 2021 - 07:47 PM

Hey!

 

I know exactly how it feels to be so hyperaware of everything and to question everything about this reality. I have been there before and I believed that I could never think differently to this and that I would be stuck questioning and questioning forever. I used to be obsessed with time and how it is possible that we just move from one moment to another and  the moment before it is completely gone. I used to be obsessed with the idea that no-one else was real and that they are just a hallucination in my mind. Now notice the common word here "OBSESSED."

 

I think that DPDR has links with OCD and obsessive thought patterns which I can see that you are having. Some people with Obsessive thinking are obsessed with germs- because you will never know whether you have gotten rid of all the germs from your body - there is no way to prove it and so the compulsion is to repetitively wash hands.  It is the same uncertainty here - these questions about reality are questions that can never be answered and there will always be uncertainty. The obsessive brain then feels like it MUST search for answers to these questions, which of course it never will. The compulsion to this is to seek reassurance on forums like this, obsessively think and try to "figure out" the topic.

 

I now rarely fall into the patterns of thinking and I would say that I now live a pretty normal life to how I was before this. It really wasn't easy but it is possible to feel normal again. With this kind of thing you just have to kind of accept that you will not ever know the answer to these questions and that is OKAY. There are so many things in life that we will never fully understand, but that doesn't mean it isn't worth living. For example, if I felt obsessive thoughts coming about people not being real, I would accept that those thoughts are scary but I would carry on interacting with them anyway. It is hard to explain, but once you start to accept the scary thoughts and keep going anyway you find it more and more easy to just carry on with them there until you don't notice them anymore. So, for an example with you thinking about how our body just works telepathically - just accept that thats true - but it doesn't have to be something scary, its just a fact

 

You were right to stop coming on this forum because it fuels the obsession even more! Once I started to come off this forum I noticed myself getting better so I would highly recommend trying to stay off as much as possible.

 

I hope I have explained everything ok, let me know if you have any more questions :) 



#3 jessie123

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Posted 21 January 2021 - 07:49 PM

Check this video out :)

 



#4 Findmywayhome

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Posted 22 January 2021 - 01:14 AM

Unfortunately I cant say that im out of this. But I just want to be another person to let you know you are not alone. I relate to every word you typed. My existential symptoms are more emphasized on the intra-personal aspect; like you said, the idea of consciousness and being able to move your body and experience things somatically seems terrifyingly absurd. I deal with this thought that I am dead in the freudian sense. That there is no “me” left and im just a brain experiencing and behaving computationally. I became more or less obsessed with the idea of the “self” where exactly is the “person” that exists within a body? What thoughts, actions, and emotions stem from the “person” and not the brain?

What Ive learned though. Is that these thoughts simply don’t matter. They don’t need to. I may not know what this whole existence thing is, but I know one damn thing for sure; each and every one of us wants to keep existing as long and fruitfully as possible. Underneath all this existential terror, emotions still feel great. In a way, this dissociation has given me a weird appreciation for life. Its like I am no longer desensitized to living itself. And Life suddenly feels like this newfound thing, with so much potential. The prospect of being able to experience things suddenly seems like this precious, beautiful opportunity. DPDR hasn’t completely stopped us from experiencing life, it is mostly the fear and the misery. I can still manage to reap some enjoyment out of everyday life, and I feel like being able to do that is anyones ticket out of this existential gauntlet of a disorder. I hope one day I will be able to experience life to its fullest extent again some day, but until then, accept the thoughts, and keep living despite it all; we were built to live.




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