Hello to all of you good people,
In one hand, I think that if when I want to post something here, I prefere it'd be positive
In another hand, I also need to be heard. Or read, in this case.
I do not do this often at all, share my sadness, but for once, I feel free to do so.
Are you going to read it all ?
It is okay if you respond even with a single word, it is better than nothing believe me.
And I thought, why not make this a post where you also share your day. Or something that happened in it, without needing to make a new post. Just an idea.
So, I am a young women, 21 yo. DPDR for 7 years now, or a little more.
Currently in the "healing process" if God wills it.
One of the sources of my disstress, my anxiety, my sadness, my depression, my fears, my complexes... is my dear mother.
With Mr OCD, it was worse.
Today, I was more tired than the other days, but in a good way. As if... I could finally BE tired freely, and let myself go. Let my face express that sadness... or anger.
My little sister, who is 18 yo, is also something of a... complice ?
Anyways, we were few kilometers away from home, maybe 3 ?
I was in the car with them, and they were criticizing me. In that certain really nasty way... I do not know how to explain it.
It isn't the first time, and it isn't the 80th time that they do that.
I was quiet the whole discussion, trying to decide weither or not to get out of the car. We were in traffic. The place was almost deserted, only males.
I told my mother to stop talking about me, just let it go. But, no.
There is so much details I can add, but it will talk too long.
So I tied my hair better, took my wallet and my phone, and opened the door while we were not moving. She said "don't dare", I just slammed the door.
It felt nice.
Do not take me for someone that takes pleasure in making others feel bad, or in being mean.
I chose to not give her my hatred, not give her anyhting. She doesn't deserve not place in my head. If it weren't for OCD...
I remember before I did that, she started talking about how I shouldn't be like that (meaning sad and ill and all that u know), because she can't see why I would be, there is nothing going on.
I got out, and walked forward in the dirt.
She drove away, didn't stop or park somewhere, didn't turn to check on me.
I walked. There was a small supermarket in the way, stopped there, saw a guy walking towards the way I wanted to go, and walked behind him.
In the way I thanked him in my head, he didn't know he helped me.
There were cars coming and going, but I didn't mind the staring..
There was a time, where the pression of the experience would of hurt me more.
There was a moment where one of the "fear sensations" came to me, but as always, what can we do but continue moving ?
Funny thing, I got home before my sister, who went to buy something (saw her from a distance when I arrived in the residence where our appartment is).
Asked my other little sister (12 yo) to leave the room... so I could let go obviously.
I cried a little, not completely everything out of my chest and body. But it will come, the time where I could yell and cry out loud every tear in me.
Thank you for reading, any comment would be appreciated.
May we all find peace.
