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#1 Nevermind_79

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 01:12 PM

Hello all.  My name is Michael.  I'm 42 and have had dp/dr for about 15 years now.  I think it's trauma related.  I just recently had a major resurfacing of ptsd stuff during a bipolar relapse and my dp/dr went into overdrive.  I'm now in survival mode.  I'm wanting to do some emdr for my trauma.  I suspect if I can have a successful ptsd treatment, the dpdr will resolve.  I got Harris Harrington's program and have been practicing his grounding techniques.  I haven't really had the focus for all the writing assignments though.  I think his material is great, I just am not in the best space for doing the homework at the moment.  Maybe once things die down a bit.  I feel like I'm on benadryl all the time now.  I super don't like it.  I'm on lithium 1200mg/day, and 7.5mg of zyprexa for sleep, as my sleep is terrible.  Had a nightmare last night featuring a king cobra larger than a python upright looking at me in a large field i had to cut.  Interpreted it as traumatic memories I'm trying to ignore because they seem too scary to face.  Yikes! That was scary just to write down.  

 



#2 AnnaGiulia

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 02:41 PM

Hey Michael,

 

Sorry to hear you are struggling, the fear that we feel in PTSD and other trauma-related disorders is real and paralyzing, no wonder we become dissociated. In late September and early October, I had a surge of flashbacks, that at one point made me - a woman of 44 - try to curl under the bed as a small child, only to realize that I can barely fit. It was my safe place when I was little, and I had a sudden urge to hide there and cry, as I was literally shaking in fear.

 

I firmly believe that consequences of trauma can be healed, even though it does take a lot of dedication and persistence. But then again, I believe that dedication and persistence are common qualities in trauma survivors. I would like to encourage you in your decision to pursue EMDR therapy, as it is one of the confirmed models for trauma treatment. My experience with it so far was very good, but I didn't write too much here about it, as I would like to move a bit further with the therapy, until I share more.

 

Take care,

A.



#3 Nevermind_79

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 03:38 PM

Thanks AnnaGiulia.  It's good to hear from you.  I can relate to feeling like a kid in my more frightened moments.  I love it when I can cry because that brings some relief, though the pain that gets me there isn't so nice.  I haven't started emdr yet.  I'm a little frustrated with my therapy situation at the moment.  I'm starting out with a new one at the moment and the first time we "met" (a phone call due to covid) I fed him info as he filled out several forms over the course of an hour and a half.  Now he tells me the next four sessions will be filling out a psych eval.  I need urgent help and we're not even gonna talk freely for at least a month! What's so weird is that my dpdr symptoms weren't that bad and my ptsd symptoms were almost non-existent until this recent flare-up.  I haven't felt this way since I was 27.         



#4 AnnaGiulia

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 04:36 PM

It sounds like a lot of evaluation...I always think of therapy as a sort of team work. You are adding one member to your team who will help you go through stuff that you cannot do on your own. In that sense, I always felt free to influence the course of my therapy, if I feel uncomfortable about something, or I have something important to report. I cannot know how it will go with your therapist, especially since it is a bit different over the phone, but I think I would make sure that, in spite of all the preparation/evaluation that is needed, I get some feed-back to what I am going through atm, especially if you are in such an acute emotional pain. I don't know how that sounds to you, but in therapy I think that therapist and client are equal, as our self-reporting is basically setting the base for any kind of further therapy, so our input is just as important as theirs.

 

I understand that you are going through a storm rn. I felt that for me it was important to feel understood, and also to have some sense of belonging, wherever it was possible - including an online community of people who experience something similar. A big part of trauma has to do with attachment, so it makes sense that we need other people and some compassion to get through the hard times. Know that you are not alone, and that no matter how hard it gets, the recovery is possible.



#5 Nevermind_79

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Posted 17 December 2020 - 06:21 PM

Thank you.  You're so right about adding another member to my team.  That's a great way to look at it.  I'm strongly considering joining an intensive outpatient program during the mornings just so I can have some more support.  I have no illusions about its being able to help me much, I just want some structure to my day and to not feel alone with my struggles.  I wish there was an inpatient program that dealt with dpdr and ptsd.  There probably is but I can't afford it and my insurance doesn't cover it.  I'm unemployed right now due to covid.  At least I have unemployment insurance to draw on, so I'm not destitute or living with a relative on their couch or something.  It's also a blessing because I don't have to worry about performing at work like this.  I'll try to relate to my therapist that I need some me time at least for part of our session today.  Thanks.   






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