6 replies to this topic

[Findmywayhome]

I promise this is my last rant about the progression of my disorder. I need to get some things off my chest.

 

Went to play hockey with my friends yesterday, overall certainly was better and more enjoyable then not doing anything at all, so that's good. However, it seems that whenever I go out to do something there is a 50/50 chance it gets more or less permanently worse. This time i got the unlucky side of the coin.  as soon as I stepped outside my car my reality turned into a movie screen. It literally felt like I was watching myself tie my own skates, and nothing was happening in real time; it was all a projection. I got home and things settled a little. But sure enough, I woke up today and things got worse.

 

I feel like my soul is gone. no sense of self. it feels weirdly innapropiate or absurd to inhabit the body im in. Fuck, I cant even calm myself down because there is hardly any "me" anymore. I feel that if my parents got replaced with strangers their wouldn't be a difference in how I perceive them. Everything, including the entirety of my past is all unfamiliar to me. Whenever I look at the world It terrifies me

 

 

I hate how negative this all sounds so I guess I will discuss the few positives surrounding this:

 

I want to say that while my disorder is getting worse, it does so less often now. I remember in the first month or so it would make a huge jump every five days or so, but now when it does get worse it's only slightly, and it only does maybe every 7-10 days. And there was even a period of two whole week where I was completely unbothered by my depersonalization (but still bothered by my DR). Although that was a while ago. And these past few weeks my DP has came back to torture me. 

 

In the month of November, there were weeks where I've actually felt really good. I could wake up and actually look forward to the day, do things I genuinely enjoy, be productive, and it even felt like my DPDR was getting somewhat better, I hope those days can come back. 

 

Im just scared that this will become a life long struggle. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by writing about it, but Im frustrated and miserable right now. Im going to do my best to stop ruminating about this disorder and hopefully that can put a stop this progression. If im still getting worse six months from now its like fuck, what the hell do I do now?

[leminaseri]

I promise this is my last rant about the progression of my disorder. I need to get some things off my chest.

Went to play hockey with my friends yesterday, overall certainly was better and more enjoyable then not doing anything at all, so that's good. However, it seems that whenever I go out to do something there is a 50/50 chance it gets more or less permanently worse. This time i got the unlucky side of the coin. as soon as I stepped outside my car my reality turned into a movie screen. It literally felt like I was watching myself tie my own skates, and nothing was happening in real time; it was all a projection. I got home and things settled a little. But sure enough, I woke up today and things got worse.

I feel like my soul is gone. no sense of self. it feels weirdly innapropiate or absurd to inhabit the body im in. Fuck, I cant even calm myself down because there is hardly any "me" anymore. I feel that if my parents got replaced with strangers their wouldn't be a difference in how I perceive them. Everything, including the entirety of my past is all unfamiliar to me. Whenever I look at the world It terrifies me


I hate how negative this all sounds so I guess I will discuss the few positives surrounding this:

I want to say that while my disorder is getting worse, it does so less often now. I remember in the first month or so it would make a huge jump every five days or so, but now when it does get worse it's only slightly, and it only does maybe every 7-10 days. And there was even a period of two whole week where I was completely unbothered by my depersonalization (but still bothered by my DR). Although that was a while ago. And these past few weeks my DP has came back to torture me.

In the month of November, there were weeks where I've actually felt really good. I could wake up and actually look forward to the day, do things I genuinely enjoy, be productive, and it even felt like my DPDR was getting somewhat better, I hope those days can come back.

Im just scared that this will become a life long struggle. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by writing about it, but Im frustrated and miserable right now. Im going to do my best to stop ruminating about this disorder and hopefully that can put a stop this progression. If im still getting worse six months from now its like fuck, what the hell do I do now?

calm down. i have it for 11 months. until 1 month ago i felt also like „it goes worse all the time“. but then i stopped to think and obsess about those factors what let me think „it goes worse“. and since then, i feel my symptoms are stable. it doesnt go worse, its a mix of hyperanalizing and obsessing.

[lost235]

I’m so sorry things are not looking better for you:/ everything you’re talking about tho, I feel the exact same way. November has been a real rollercoaster for me too. Every few days I’ll get a kick of happiness and motivation, next thing I know I’m lying in bed all over again being tortured with these feelings.

I have to say too, I think it’s fine that you “rant” about things on here. It’s clear that it does help you a lot, and I totally understand why. Even rereading old answers that one get from posts on here doesn’t even compare to the relief you get when someone has a new answer for you. But if you do feel like it gets “too much”, just write in your notes on the phone or something. I mean it’s not as helpful in the moment but could essentially make you feel less guilty about posting a lot here. That’s not a feeling you should have, but I myself have experienced it quite a bit.

The 50/50 thing, I totally relate to that too. It sucks because it makes you feel like there’s no control over the situation. Sometimes the day goes by fine, weirdly good even. But some days when I’ve even had a great morning, I’ll step out and get hit with dpdr again. Idk, it’s really strange. Ugh and also the thought that if your family was switched out you wouldn’t even notice, I was literally thinking that today. When my mom walks into the room I literally feel nothing, it might as well be no one in the room. Once again I relate to you when it comes to every new symptom lol.

But I’m glad it’s not getting equally as worse for you now as it did before, that’s progress for sure! I mean waking up and looking forward to the day? That’s really good!

This is not going to last forever, hang in there. I’m sure it won’t get worse 6 months from now, and if it feels like it does I’m sure it’s just a feeling. I mean I’ve talked to you on here for a while and a few weeks ago you honestly thought you were going crazy, is it still like that? If it is I’m sure it hasn’t gone that much worse? I’m in no way trying to minimise your feelings, but for me I’ve noticed that I always think it’s getting worse and worse, but really it’s just a feeling i have. It’s like when it gets better for a day, and then the next day sucks, obviously there’s a lot of contrast and I’ll feel as if I’m at my all time low all of a sudden. But with that said, I’m just sharing my point of view, if it really is getting worse for you then I’m sorry. You really will get better when you learn to handle the anxiety, that’s all this is. There’s nothing wrong with your brain and you’re not permanently broken, that’s not how this works. You’re going to be fine.

Sorry for such a long answer. I tried to make it short but also want to assure you that you’re going to be fine. This is not forever. And stop reading people’s posts who have had this for like 10+ years, that’s not going to be you. You’re smart and if you can spend this much time obsessing over how much worse it can get and how bad you feel etc. You can for sure eventually learn how to get better again:)

[heneluna]

^^^ What they said

 

It's good to vent, continue to do that on here if it helps you, don't feel guilty about it.

Do you think you became dissociated because you hadn't been out with friends or skated in a while? When I go out after a while of staying in, It takes me a while to process it, the dpdr gets worse and sticks even a day after. Even though it feels like a 50-50 chance of getting better or worse, please keep on doing things like you normally would. 

 

Maybe itll help to journal what you did that day or talk about it to your friends so it doesn't seem as foreign or like it never even happened, helps to process things I guess. 

 

It is super scary, but you're going to be ok. You have made progress.

[Findmywayhome]

Thanks so much for the assurance guys, it means a lot. 

 

To lost235, I totally relate to that haha, Some mornings I feel super good then out of nowhere it all comes back again. Unfortunately though I am 100% sure it is not just my imagination. The dissociation I experienced the first two weeks is literally nothing compared to now. However, I think on a week by week basis, I find myself thinking that its gotten worse, but then I realize that is completely irrational. Unfortunately though there is the odd time where it does in fact get worse such as this morning. Whats helped me though is being able to distinguish my DP from my DR. Its like, my DR hasn't actually changed for a week, its just my DP that got worse today, so to think of it like that makes it seem like less of a big deal. Though I think in the long run I really need to stop analyzing my symptoms. And I am no longer scared by the idea of going insane. I dont think I am losing my mind per se, but it just feels so permanent, you know? 

 

And Heneluna I think thats definitely true. It's been a week since I last been outside, so it was pretty overwhelming for me I guess. 

 

It's very helpful when you guys tell me Ive made progress. Because I think my hamartia when it comes to this is wanting to see improvement so quickly. Ive gone a bit smarter now, but back then I was so naive lol. Like, once I found out about the general method for recovery I was super motivated. I thought it would all be over within a week, so when one morning I woke up and I felt more particularly detached from my body for no apparent reason, I was taken aback. I realized I can't expect to recover from this so quickly, and make drastic improvements within weeks. So I think when my disorder got worse I took that as such a big deal, thus increasing my stress and anxiety feeding the cycle. I gotta try to break the cycle. 

[lost235]

Thanks so much for the assurance guys, it means a lot.

To lost235, I totally relate to that haha, Some mornings I feel super good then out of nowhere it all comes back again. Unfortunately though I am 100% sure it is not just my imagination. The dissociation I experienced the first two weeks is literally nothing compared to now. However, I think on a week by week basis, I find myself thinking that its gotten worse, but then I realize that is completely irrational. Unfortunately though there is the odd time where it does in fact get worse such as this morning. Whats helped me though is being able to distinguish my DP from my DR. Its like, my DR hasn't actually changed for a week, its just my DP that got worse today, so to think of it like that makes it seem like less of a big deal. Though I think in the long run I really need to stop analyzing my symptoms. And I am no longer scared by the idea of going insane. I dont think I am losing my mind per se, but it just feels so permanent, you know?

And Heneluna I think thats definitely true. It's been a week since I last been outside, so it was pretty overwhelming for me I guess.

It's very helpful when you guys tell me Ive made progress. Because I think my hamartia when it comes to this is wanting to see improvement so quickly. Ive gone a bit smarter now, but back then I was so naive lol. Like, once I found out about the general method for recovery I was super motivated. I thought it would all be over within a week, so when one morning I woke up and I felt more particularly detached from my body for no apparent reason, I was taken aback. I realized I can't expect to recover from this so quickly, and make drastic improvements within weeks. So I think when my disorder got worse I took that as such a big deal, thus increasing my stress and anxiety feeding the cycle. I gotta try to break the cycle.

Ahh yeah I know what you mean. Don’t get me wrong, I know that it’s gone worse than the first 2 weeks, I mean compared to how I felt in July it’s so different now. I meant it like you said, a week to week basis. Sometimes I think “wow now I’ve really gone crazy, and this feeling is the worst I’ve ever felt”. But then I just really have to realise that I have in fact felt this shitty even if I don’t remember it right now, and I did get through it. And sometimes it does really get worse, it’s not just in the imagination, that’s when it’s time to try new methods and think about what will help you in this new feeling.

Glad you feel like you’re not going insane anymore, I for sure still have those thoughts. That’s progress as well! You need to really hold onto the tiny things that get better, I think it’s good that you wrote the good things that has been happening as well!

As I said, it’s not permanent for sure!

[Grindelwald]

Anxiety is the driver. Being alone sometimes is the best thing to do.