I promise this is my last rant about the progression of my disorder. I need to get some things off my chest.
Went to play hockey with my friends yesterday, overall certainly was better and more enjoyable then not doing anything at all, so that's good. However, it seems that whenever I go out to do something there is a 50/50 chance it gets more or less permanently worse. This time i got the unlucky side of the coin. as soon as I stepped outside my car my reality turned into a movie screen. It literally felt like I was watching myself tie my own skates, and nothing was happening in real time; it was all a projection. I got home and things settled a little. But sure enough, I woke up today and things got worse.
I feel like my soul is gone. no sense of self. it feels weirdly innapropiate or absurd to inhabit the body im in. Fuck, I cant even calm myself down because there is hardly any "me" anymore. I feel that if my parents got replaced with strangers their wouldn't be a difference in how I perceive them. Everything, including the entirety of my past is all unfamiliar to me. Whenever I look at the world It terrifies me
I hate how negative this all sounds so I guess I will discuss the few positives surrounding this:
I want to say that while my disorder is getting worse, it does so less often now. I remember in the first month or so it would make a huge jump every five days or so, but now when it does get worse it's only slightly, and it only does maybe every 7-10 days. And there was even a period of two whole week where I was completely unbothered by my depersonalization (but still bothered by my DR). Although that was a while ago. And these past few weeks my DP has came back to torture me.
In the month of November, there were weeks where I've actually felt really good. I could wake up and actually look forward to the day, do things I genuinely enjoy, be productive, and it even felt like my DPDR was getting somewhat better, I hope those days can come back.
Im just scared that this will become a life long struggle. I know I'm not doing myself any favours by writing about it, but Im frustrated and miserable right now. Im going to do my best to stop ruminating about this disorder and hopefully that can put a stop this progression. If im still getting worse six months from now its like fuck, what the hell do I do now?