What if I’ve always felt like this?
Posted 17 November 2020 - 05:57 PM
So I’m not sure if what I’m about to write makes sense or if anyone will understand what I mean, but I’ll give it a try.
Lately I’ve had a weird thought that’s sort of given me a sort of hopeless perspective on this whole thing. I’ve been thinking that maybe I’ve had dpdr all my life, and that I just haven’t noticed it until now. I have always been a person who daydreams a lot, and sort of spends a lot of time alone. I’m not a lonely person (in the sense that I have people around me) but I’ve always enjoyed just being on my own a lot. Through my life, there’s been plenty of times where I even avoid being with others to sit and daydream or do things on my own, mostly because in my daydreams I can be whoever I want.
Now the reason why I feel like this is relevant to know, is because I’m scared that maybe I’ve always in a way been dissociated from the world and everyone else? Or even worse, that my constant daydreaming has led to me getting dpdr? I can’t help but wonder if I have always been like this and I just haven’t noticed, is that even possible? When I think about it now, I’ve definitely had some weird moments where I’ve thought that my view of the world looks strange, or sometimes a feeling that I might be dreaming. It’s just that I haven’t put so much thought into it. Whenever I’ve thought “what if I’m dreaming” before, a new thought come to me right away saying “well you can’t control it, you might be dreaming but in that case make it a good one” then I forget about it. Now on the other hand, I’m constantly paranoid, wondering what life even is and what if it’s all an illusion? etc. I can question the tiniest things like what even is my eyes and how are they looking at whatever’s around me?
I’m rambling on now, but I guess what I’m asking is, could my past of daydreaming have led to a permanent dpdr? I know this was triggered by anxiety and depression, but could it be my own fault for daydreaming so much? Have I always felt this way but just not realised it?
Posted 17 November 2020 - 06:58 PM
Hey. This is a perfectly normal symptom that a lot of people deal with. So no, you probably haven't been dissociated your whole life. I can sort of relate to what your saying but in a different way; I know that I haven't been dissociated my whole life, I am well aware most of my past experiences have been free of this gut wrenching feeling. But, I'm at an existential point where I feel like seeing the world through the lense of DPDR is and always was the- or at least my default way of experiencing the world. I guess what I'm saying is, I feel like life before DPDR is an illusion and I am now finally seeing things as they really are. For example, when I used to experience DPDR in short, abrupt episodes, they would come about like this: I would be doing something, experiencing life as usual, and then im hit with this random wave of thoughts/sensations that almost feels like I am REMEMBERING that, "oh yeah, existence and human experience is an illusion" and then the DPDR hits. Strangely, sometimes the reverse would happen, but it still made me dissociate, I would look in the mirror long enough and realize, "oh yeah, I am a human being with physical flesh and my body takes up space and I am currently living life and existing" then I would depersonalize for a bit. this horrible thought process makes my dissociated state seem all the more scary, and real. Now I am worried I might be scaring you, but I know that this is completely irrational, and part of the disorder. I have not defied the bounds of human existence and transcended it, I am simply experiencing a mental disorder. You have not been dissociated your whole life, that is all part of the condition.
As for the daydreaming. I think Ive told you a while ago that I used to do it a lot too. I think it's a symptom of being unsatisfied with ones life, feeling hopeless to rectify it, and therefore resorting to fantasizing an ideal one instead. So I don't think daydreaming caused your disorder, I think it's an indirect result of your depression which lead you to this state. And I sincerely doubt it is permanent
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