My disorder never ceases to amaze me with how rapidly it changes and progresses. I was doing really good for most of last week until Sunday. Saturday night I upped my dosage of Zoloft from 25mg to 50mg and man do I regret it. Combined with bad sleep, stress and anxiety about school, and I think mainly the upping of the dosage, my DPDR has rapidly progressed into more of a nightmare than it already is.
I have a hyperawareness of my perception, I feel as if my own perception is obstructing me from perceiving anything in reality. I am so bewildered by the nature and existence of my own consciousness, It's like I suddenly realized how abstract and weird it is to be conscious and have experiences and thoughts. I feel so disconnected from my self, I feel like I am ceasing to exist. And this is not solely thought based by any means, the sensation of perceiving reality is a goddamn nightmare. I feel like I no longer have any intuition towards anything, my understanding of everything has collapsed, everything is so disturbingly unfamiliar and seemingly abstract- even perception itself- that I have completely lost grip on myself and reality, I feel almost trapped.
Here's where I am need of some advice: If I don't stabilize from the medication within a few weeks, should I go back to 25mg? would that make it worse? I know every ones situation is different, but I don't know what to do.
DONT READ THIS NEXT PARAGRAPH IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE WITH EXISTENTIAL THOUGHTS*
I feel like I have transcended human experience. I feel as if we humans have developed the capability to perceive outside of reality but naturally our brains never enter that state; because there is no utility in doing so and why the fuck would we want to? I feel like I have involuntarily entered that state. I feel like I have woken up from the dream of human experience and am now slipping into a state of pure indifference, I am terrified. When I used to experience short, random episodes of DPDR the emergence of them always felt peculiar; It felt like I was remembering that the entirety of human experience is an illusion, and I was dropping back down to the default state of inexperience. I feel as if that is what im doing. Like my mind has broken the thin layer of ice that borders the human soul from the void and I am now helplessly sinking in to the murky, cold, lifeless sea of nothingness below it. Why why why is this happening to me???