Upon discovering the tremendous therapeutic benefits journaling gives me, I realized a healthy way to use this forum would be to do just that, and be surrounded by a community in the process.
First I want to start off by describing this weird and scary sensation I've been getting; hoping someone can relate. I guess it might be similarly tied to the 24/7 existential crisis that I've detailed in my last post, but on many respects this sensation is quite distinct. . .
As I navigate my environment, I feel this eminent sensation like the universe is going to end. I feel like I am standing on the edge of existence and at any moment I can slip into a void of nothingness. Or, perhaps more accurately, I feel like the world around me is so close to manifesting as a void of nothingness. What accompanies this, among other things, is a sick/anxious feeling in my stomach. So you might be thinking, perhaps this is quite similar to a feeling of impending doom that one gets when they have an anxiety attack. I could agree with that, but I wonder if this sensation is caused by the anxiety, or the anxiety is caused by the sensation. I think about the idea of being "dead inside", and I wonder if this is what I'm heading towards. But when I think about that, it isn't accurate. I am astonished by my ability to retain a pretty decent pallet of emotions in this state. Of course, I am not devoid of being emotionally dulled, but despite living in a reality that I think is essentially a giant illusion I can still engage with it and feel a degree of emotions. It seems that this sensation manifests externally; I am only cognitively depersonalized, not too much emotionally.
I have heard many people describe feeling as though the barrier between them and external reality vanishes. I think I relate to this. It feels like external reality is merely a projection of my consciousness, it is like a non physical world and things only appear to be tangible. In this perception, space and time doesn't really exist. I watch my family members walk around the house, and I don't feel convinced that they are actually going anywhere. I almost view this disorder as an extreme version of reverse schizophrenia. reverse in the sense because the things that are real no longer seem real, and extreme in the sense that EVERYTHING seems unreal; my entire world is a hallucination.
Here's the thing though, I don't necessarily feel like external reality doesn't exist. I know it exists, and I know that other humans are also other conscious entities experiencing the same universe. But, I feel like my PERCEPTION of it is disconnected, and unreal. I realized that we can never truly experience the external world. We can only experience it through the means of our somatosensory tools which is interpreted by our consciousness. Damn this is so hard to explain.
The stage that Im at in this disorder has made me realized something bizarre: Why was I so convinced that the reality I was in before was the realest way to experience reality? This has made the idea of recovery seemingly nonsensical. I try to imagine that If one morning I woke up, and my brain came down from its dissociated state completely... would everything feel real? I feel like this disorder has brought me to a cognitive state that realizes every perception of reality is completely arbitrary, even the one I was in before this disorder.