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Crazy existential thoughts

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#1 Findmywayhome

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Posted 07 November 2020 - 03:24 PM

Lmao, I knew I couldn't do it. I told myself I wouldn't post on here again, but to be fair I almost made it two weeks! yay...

 

My disorder has made yet another increase in severity, and things are pretty fucking crazy now, I want to document what I've been experiencing since these past few days. Perhaps someone can relate?

 

Coupled with a general increase in my symptoms, I have been suffering from a mental onslaught of existential questioning. Being previously prone to bouts of nihilism, and having an existential crisis a week due to my consumption and pondering of philosophical shit, Im actually surprised this didn't happen sooner. But here I am now. I will try my best to explain my indescribable mental state. 

 

The existential state I am currently in is a lot more meta than feeling merely nihilistic. It is a lot more messed than me simply questioning the point of everything, it is like I can't even mentally distinct the idea of existence from non existence. It's as if consciousness is an illusion and our "internal experience" is unequivocal to that of a rock, or anything non living for that matter. Everything, including consciousness itself seems "inorganic" I cant explain it. I don't understand how or why there can be a dichotomy of "existence" and nonexistence. What I mean by existence is the fact that humans can actually "perceive" reality, it is that perception and experience which is precisely what I mean by existence. So how does our conscious experience differ from non experience, or non existence? It seems as if they are one and the same; nothing truly exists. In this sense, it is a lot more fucked than solipsism because I don't believe that I am the only one who is truly conscious, rather I believe NO ONE is, including me. 

 

On a lower level, I cant associate with the idea or nature of human beings. On a scientific, evolutionary, biological, and a neurological level I can understand to an extend why we exist, why we are the way we are, and why we behave the way we do. However, on a higher, more subjective human level, this understanding breaks down. Thus I have lost connection to the actual fruits of life and the reason we exist in regards to the "higher" self. I don't understand why we value emotions so much, I dont understand the subjective level in which we experience pleasure, or have desires, or really have anything for that matter. Pondering the mere anatomy of the human body is so puzzling to me. It is beyond absurd how unbelievably arbitrary and random the nature of our existence is. We are carbon based creatures with four limbs who grew up on some random planet in some random solar system in a secluded corner of some indistinguishable galaxy and some weird bizzare universe who's existence has no "reason" (I use quotation marks frequently in this text because the precise meaning of the given word doesn't necessarily accurately describe what I'm trying to say) Despite all this, we feel as if this wacked and unlikely experience is fully and objectively real, and it is all there is. We build and destroy civilizations. we have jobs, we go to school, we raise children, we buy parking tickets, we get married, we watch the big game on tv, we hangout with friends, and when all is set and done, we die. Like, What the actual fuck was all that? what??? We are roaming towers of flesh existing  on top of some giant rocky sphere, we share this experience with each other, and we just die. In baffles me how I, or everyone else for that matter, have been born into this reality and have simply accepted everything, we have just accepted the reality as reality, and we live, its so god damn weird. The way this makes me feel goes beyond words, it makes me feel not really depressed, but scared and empty, among other things. 

 

Another bizzare revelation I made yesterday is that I, a human being, who is, was, and will always be a anthropogenic conscious entity who experiences reality solely from the human perspective, is attempting to understand and question existence beyond human beings. How can assert to use the medium of thinking- a human tool, to try to feel as if I trasncended human existence? This revelation made me realize how substance-less thoughts are. They are utterly useless beyond the domain of human existence. To try to perceive beyond existence with the human-centric tool of consciousness is like trying to make a basketball shot when you aren't even at the court. I can't help but feel beyond fucked mentally and perceptually. 

 

Another weird thing is how primitive human behaviour looks. Watching other humans act in some way feels like watching apes or chimps. I don't mean this in a narcissistic, "everyone else is uncivilized, immature, and unintelligent, and i'm the only one who sees that" kind of thing. It has a lot to do with the aforementioned phenomenon where I can't understand nor observe existence on the level of the "higher" self- the subjective part where one fully experiences the fruits of emotions and the seeming objectivity of their perception of the world. Instead I see humans as what they are at there core; biological machines, who have been evolved to interact and persist within the world. This makes human behaviour seem very rudimentary. For example, I no longer see humans socializing as this highly complex, meaningful and fruitful activity, containing very real emotions like awkwardness and embarassment, or confidence and intimidation. Instead, I see it as two or more brains exchanging a chemical and neurological reaction through the output of vocalized sounds and anatomical movements and orientation as a consequence of evolution. 

 

I also feel as if I've travelled into a different reality, this is a lot different than feeling as though reality itself is distorted. Before I fell into this existential state, I had a cognitive framework that represented how I perceived my mental disorder existed in regards to reality. Reality as I knew it existed as the core of existence, and I viewed my DPDR as a form of experience that merely deviated from the core reality, it felt as if I am lost, and true reality is "home" (hence my username). Now, I don't see the "true" reality as the core reality at all, it feels just as arbitrary as the reality I found myself in right now. It's analogous to a radio, and that "true" reality is merely a different frequency of existence. I feel like I exist on a different "channel". 

 

 

 

So thats that. As you can see I am borderline insane at this point. I feel a positive part of this is that it is purely a psychological symptom, meaning I don't think it's an inextricable aspect of the DPDR itself. On some level I can see how one can be devoid of the degree of existential questioning that I have been experiencing even in this level of dissociation... so in that sense this is just the product of my overactive mind and hopefully it is temporary. Despite how germane, ultimate, and scary this perception feels, the rational part of me knows it is entirely possible to come back down and forget entirely about this weird perception. I tell myself that, "damn im tripping on psychedelics rn" and that sort of comforts me in a way. It reminds me that ones entire perception of reality can be radically changed, much like the function of psychedelics, but one can always come back down from it, they may not forget about it, but it can feel less meaningful and eminent to their conscience. 

 



#2 AnnaGiulia

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Posted 07 November 2020 - 05:29 PM

I hear you, every word. What you just expressed is how I lived for most of my life. That wonder at everything around me, at things that other people seemed to take for granted...

 

The thing is, that "true" reality that you mention is possibly just the "optimal" way of being for who we as humans are, at this place and time in our existence as a species. I thought today about that, as I manage more and more to attend to more ordinary life tasks, and I can find myself being more comfortable in some ordinary life situations, communicating with people about some very ordinary topics, basically just getting things done, things that are necessary for a society to function. But my mind has its own ways, as when I wake up at night, I somehow glance into myself more directly, and every time it is that same big picture of life and death, of incredible vastness of everything beyond ourselves, and of a very narrow and lonely place that each of us occupies in that big picture.

 

But I would say that this perspective has to do with our detachment from emotions, as that detachment leaves a large emptiness within ourselves, and we somehow lack the whole part of ourselves necessary for finding meaning and satisfaction in human interaction, as interaction and belonging seem to be the most important things for us humans. I remember being in a foreign country once, in a very large city, I stayed on my own for a month on a grant, and after a week or ten days, without direct communication with people - even though I was surrounded by people all the time - I felt almost like hurting from loneliness. I listened to music all day long, but it only alleviated my pain from isolation a little bit. In the end, I made friends with someone who attended the same lectures as I did, and I cherished her company immensely for the rest of my stay.

 

I am basically working on getting back in touch with my emotions through EMDR therapy, as I was traumatized a long time ago, and I have never processed certain traumatic memories, so they kept hurting me like a splinter, that never allowed the tissue to heal. In order to hurt less, I would detach from different aspects of myself, but most importantly from my emotions, that I found intolerable. It explains my often unusual perspective on life, but then again, that perspective had shaped me, and I cannot "cure" it or pretend it was never mine. I don't know if that makes sense, but that detached, depersonalized perspective on life and the world is also one aspect of me as a person, because it was with me quite often, during some very formative years, and even though I feel that the "true" reality that you mentioned is a more comfortable way of being, and I strive towards it, I recognize my sometimes disturbing and eccentric reality as a legitimate way of being just as well.



#3 lost235

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Posted 07 November 2020 - 07:47 PM

Hi lol! I feel the exact same way, gosh I thought I was the only one experiencing this during dpdr but it started like 1 week ago. We seem to run into the same problems all the time. I have no idea how to get rid of it but i guess it’s like every other symptom, just ignore it until it goes away. Let’s face it there comes a point where we’ve thought about how absurd our existence is for so long, that there’s nothing more to think about. We can’t control it anyways. The whole human kind and universe and existence etc is so damn weird, thinking about it makes it real trippy. But honestly these thoughts aren’t that weird, most people probably experience it just not in an extreme way, the dpdr for sure is what makes it feel like insanity or something. It’s really freaky that is humans are just weird objects on this floating rock in a universe which makes no sense. Why are we even here? This makes me seriously scared, please dm me if you find anything that helps lol. Getting a full on existential crisis here.

#4 Findmywayhome

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Posted 07 November 2020 - 08:29 PM

I hear you, every word. What you just expressed is how I lived for most of my life. That wonder at everything around me, at things that other people seemed to take for granted...

 

The thing is, that "true" reality that you mention is possibly just the "optimal" way of being for who we as humans are, at this place and time in our existence as a species. I thought today about that, as I manage more and more to attend to more ordinary life tasks, and I can find myself being more comfortable in some ordinary life situations, communicating with people about some very ordinary topics, basically just getting things done, things that are necessary for a society to function. But my mind has its own ways, as when I wake up at night, I somehow glance into myself more directly, and every time it is that same big picture of life and death, of incredible vastness of everything beyond ourselves, and of a very narrow and lonely place that each of us occupies in that big picture.

 

But I would say that this perspective has to do with our detachment from emotions, as that detachment leaves a large emptiness within ourselves, and we somehow lack the whole part of ourselves necessary for finding meaning and satisfaction in human interaction, as interaction and belonging seem to be the most important things for us humans. I remember being in a foreign country once, in a very large city, I stayed on my own for a month on a grant, and after a week or ten days, without direct communication with people - even though I was surrounded by people all the time - I felt almost like hurting from loneliness. I listened to music all day long, but it only alleviated my pain from isolation a little bit. In the end, I made friends with someone who attended the same lectures as I did, and I cherished her company immensely for the rest of my stay.

 

I am basically working on getting back in touch with my emotions through EMDR therapy, as I was traumatized a long time ago, and I have never processed certain traumatic memories, so they kept hurting me like a splinter, that never allowed the tissue to heal. In order to hurt less, I would detach from different aspects of myself, but most importantly from my emotions, that I found intolerable. It explains my often unusual perspective on life, but then again, that perspective had shaped me, and I cannot "cure" it or pretend it was never mine. I don't know if that makes sense, but that detached, depersonalized perspective on life and the world is also one aspect of me as a person, because it was with me quite often, during some very formative years, and even though I feel that the "true" reality that you mentioned is a more comfortable way of being, and I strive towards it, I recognize my sometimes disturbing and eccentric reality as a legitimate way of being just as well.

Hey, Thankyou so much for the response. Glad to hear I am not alone in this.

 

I have made that same revelation in these past few days. There is no "true" reality. When we say this we are merely referring to the generalized conception and experience of the reality that is shared by the general population of humans. But then again, the only way I or anyone can assume that there even is a general reality, or a universal experience is because of the conduit of language, but there is a paradox that alludes to limit of communication... anyways that's a moot point. 

 

That being said, there is certainly an "optimal" way of experiencing the world like you've mentioned, and this optimal reality is determined essentially by our emotions. Thus, you are certainly right that a big part of this mental state is due to the numbing of emotions, coupled with the dissociation. I also have always had a sense of absurdism that has accompanied my worldview for most of my life; I've always appreciated the machinations of life at a more arbitrary level. My DPDR is basically steroids for my existentialism. Perhaps it is naive for me to think that these existential thoughts will fade, but at the end of the day it is not relevant, because like you have done, you can learn to understand this eccentric version of reality as a very real one. What is relevant is getting in touch with emotions. Throughout my adolescent years I have struggled to understand the meaning of life; what is one objective axiom that I can frame existence upon? This disorder has made me realize exactly what that is: emotion. Emotion is the transcendental force of our existence, it is and will always be above us. The fruits of emotion are what give life purpose, it is what makes us act. So, no matter how warped ones perception of reality may be, the only important thing is to get in touch with emotions. 

 

So with that, I appreciate your response and I sincerely wish you the best of luck with your journey of getting back in touch with your emotions. 



#5 PositiveThinking!

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Posted 08 November 2020 - 04:22 PM

You're definitely not alone on this one buddy, every since I got DP/DR back about a month or two ago (probably due to the whole covid pandemic) I've been so scared of life itself. Benzos used to be my salvation in order to keep my brain from wandering too much but lately, it's like they don't even work...



#6 SharasZzzz

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Posted 17 November 2020 - 03:55 PM

I am suffering from this too, and I’m only 17. This quarantine and online school is not working for me at all...

#7 Findmywayhome

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Posted 17 November 2020 - 05:35 PM

I am suffering from this too, and I’m only 17. This quarantine and online school is not working for me at all...

I feel you, I can't believe I already feel like Im losing my sanity at 16. I was so normal not even three months ago, this is so crazy.

 

I noticed you've been a member since 2017 so you've must've had this for quite some time now. What age did you get it? How bad was it when you first got it? Has it changed at all overtime, and how so?



#8 SharasZzzz

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Posted 18 November 2020 - 04:52 AM

I actually don’t remember when I first got it, I was probably around 9-10 years old at the time when I got homesick and I just felt that weird dissociation feeling when I travelled abroad with my parents. I didn’t really think much of it mainly because I thought I was just really homesick. My DP was a bit more extreme when I was 14 years old and got a really bad flu + stress from school. I have recovered during Spring/Summer time and ever since then it’s been going amazing I even forgot about this existential phase that I previously had, but now at 17 years old, when you combine the stress from school, quarantine, lack of social interaction, arguing parents and genuine dissatisfaction with life, it started to get weird again about 3 weeks ago when I entered the second quarantine, the first quarantine I didn’t even pay much attention to it because I would usually play video games on my computer, but right now I don’t feel like doing that because it just makes my DP worse and so I try my best to lessen computer usage and spend more time with my family or doing things in real life like solving crosswords, playing cards and so on.

#9 Findmywayhome

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Posted 18 November 2020 - 06:06 PM

I actually don’t remember when I first got it, I was probably around 9-10 years old at the time when I got homesick and I just felt that weird dissociation feeling when I travelled abroad with my parents. I didn’t really think much of it mainly because I thought I was just really homesick. My DP was a bit more extreme when I was 14 years old and got a really bad flu + stress from school. I have recovered during Spring/Summer time and ever since then it’s been going amazing I even forgot about this existential phase that I previously had, but now at 17 years old, when you combine the stress from school, quarantine, lack of social interaction, arguing parents and genuine dissatisfaction with life, it started to get weird again about 3 weeks ago when I entered the second quarantine, the first quarantine I didn’t even pay much attention to it because I would usually play video games on my computer, but right now I don’t feel like doing that because it just makes my DP worse and so I try my best to lessen computer usage and spend more time with my family or doing things in real life like solving crosswords, playing cards and so on.

Ah, I see. I'm sorry to hear that things have gotten rough again. But seeing that you have recovered from this before I think you will be fine in no time. And yeah that's definitely smart to spend time doing real life activities instead of being on the computer or what not, that's definitely something I have a problem with lol. 







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