Lmao, I knew I couldn't do it. I told myself I wouldn't post on here again, but to be fair I almost made it two weeks! yay...
My disorder has made yet another increase in severity, and things are pretty fucking crazy now, I want to document what I've been experiencing since these past few days. Perhaps someone can relate?
Coupled with a general increase in my symptoms, I have been suffering from a mental onslaught of existential questioning. Being previously prone to bouts of nihilism, and having an existential crisis a week due to my consumption and pondering of philosophical shit, Im actually surprised this didn't happen sooner. But here I am now. I will try my best to explain my indescribable mental state.
The existential state I am currently in is a lot more meta than feeling merely nihilistic. It is a lot more messed than me simply questioning the point of everything, it is like I can't even mentally distinct the idea of existence from non existence. It's as if consciousness is an illusion and our "internal experience" is unequivocal to that of a rock, or anything non living for that matter. Everything, including consciousness itself seems "inorganic" I cant explain it. I don't understand how or why there can be a dichotomy of "existence" and nonexistence. What I mean by existence is the fact that humans can actually "perceive" reality, it is that perception and experience which is precisely what I mean by existence. So how does our conscious experience differ from non experience, or non existence? It seems as if they are one and the same; nothing truly exists. In this sense, it is a lot more fucked than solipsism because I don't believe that I am the only one who is truly conscious, rather I believe NO ONE is, including me.
On a lower level, I cant associate with the idea or nature of human beings. On a scientific, evolutionary, biological, and a neurological level I can understand to an extend why we exist, why we are the way we are, and why we behave the way we do. However, on a higher, more subjective human level, this understanding breaks down. Thus I have lost connection to the actual fruits of life and the reason we exist in regards to the "higher" self. I don't understand why we value emotions so much, I dont understand the subjective level in which we experience pleasure, or have desires, or really have anything for that matter. Pondering the mere anatomy of the human body is so puzzling to me. It is beyond absurd how unbelievably arbitrary and random the nature of our existence is. We are carbon based creatures with four limbs who grew up on some random planet in some random solar system in a secluded corner of some indistinguishable galaxy and some weird bizzare universe who's existence has no "reason" (I use quotation marks frequently in this text because the precise meaning of the given word doesn't necessarily accurately describe what I'm trying to say) Despite all this, we feel as if this wacked and unlikely experience is fully and objectively real, and it is all there is. We build and destroy civilizations. we have jobs, we go to school, we raise children, we buy parking tickets, we get married, we watch the big game on tv, we hangout with friends, and when all is set and done, we die. Like, What the actual fuck was all that? what??? We are roaming towers of flesh existing on top of some giant rocky sphere, we share this experience with each other, and we just die. In baffles me how I, or everyone else for that matter, have been born into this reality and have simply accepted everything, we have just accepted the reality as reality, and we live, its so god damn weird. The way this makes me feel goes beyond words, it makes me feel not really depressed, but scared and empty, among other things.
Another bizzare revelation I made yesterday is that I, a human being, who is, was, and will always be a anthropogenic conscious entity who experiences reality solely from the human perspective, is attempting to understand and question existence beyond human beings. How can assert to use the medium of thinking- a human tool, to try to feel as if I trasncended human existence? This revelation made me realize how substance-less thoughts are. They are utterly useless beyond the domain of human existence. To try to perceive beyond existence with the human-centric tool of consciousness is like trying to make a basketball shot when you aren't even at the court. I can't help but feel beyond fucked mentally and perceptually.
Another weird thing is how primitive human behaviour looks. Watching other humans act in some way feels like watching apes or chimps. I don't mean this in a narcissistic, "everyone else is uncivilized, immature, and unintelligent, and i'm the only one who sees that" kind of thing. It has a lot to do with the aforementioned phenomenon where I can't understand nor observe existence on the level of the "higher" self- the subjective part where one fully experiences the fruits of emotions and the seeming objectivity of their perception of the world. Instead I see humans as what they are at there core; biological machines, who have been evolved to interact and persist within the world. This makes human behaviour seem very rudimentary. For example, I no longer see humans socializing as this highly complex, meaningful and fruitful activity, containing very real emotions like awkwardness and embarassment, or confidence and intimidation. Instead, I see it as two or more brains exchanging a chemical and neurological reaction through the output of vocalized sounds and anatomical movements and orientation as a consequence of evolution.
I also feel as if I've travelled into a different reality, this is a lot different than feeling as though reality itself is distorted. Before I fell into this existential state, I had a cognitive framework that represented how I perceived my mental disorder existed in regards to reality. Reality as I knew it existed as the core of existence, and I viewed my DPDR as a form of experience that merely deviated from the core reality, it felt as if I am lost, and true reality is "home" (hence my username). Now, I don't see the "true" reality as the core reality at all, it feels just as arbitrary as the reality I found myself in right now. It's analogous to a radio, and that "true" reality is merely a different frequency of existence. I feel like I exist on a different "channel".
So thats that. As you can see I am borderline insane at this point. I feel a positive part of this is that it is purely a psychological symptom, meaning I don't think it's an inextricable aspect of the DPDR itself. On some level I can see how one can be devoid of the degree of existential questioning that I have been experiencing even in this level of dissociation... so in that sense this is just the product of my overactive mind and hopefully it is temporary. Despite how germane, ultimate, and scary this perception feels, the rational part of me knows it is entirely possible to come back down and forget entirely about this weird perception. I tell myself that, "damn im tripping on psychedelics rn" and that sort of comforts me in a way. It reminds me that ones entire perception of reality can be radically changed, much like the function of psychedelics, but one can always come back down from it, they may not forget about it, but it can feel less meaningful and eminent to their conscience.