Thought I could kill two birds with one stone by doing some therapeutic journaling and to also maybe help or give some insight to anyone reading this.
I feel like a big factor to the nature and existence of my dp/dr is because of my suppression of outwardly expressing emotions. My whole life I've been a very reserved, stoic kid. Ive also always felt generally unsatisfied, and unhappy with my life. I felt I hadn’t fulfilled what I should have. I would almost describe it as dysthymia, but I dont want to self diagnose. I feel like over the years I sort of bottled up this chronic sense of dissatisfaction and inadequacy. Then it manifested on the surface as a constant but moderate feeling of anger, irritability, stress, and a low self esteem. Before my mind was consumed with dp/dr, It was consumed by me fantasizing about an ideal life. I had all sorts of intricately detailed fantasies that I could think about for hours at a time. All of this resentment, among other things, I feel made me resistant to expressing emotion and showing expression. I still experienced all sorts of emotions, but expressing them always felt weird to me, even overly positive ones. I felt vulnerable when I tried to show them. I barely ever showed love to my family. My siblings are very good at this, but im just not. To some degree its normal teenage shit, but to another degree its more than that.
Another thing. Getting into philosophy and psychology also revealed that I was prone to detachment. I would contemplate existential thoughts so deeply and for so long I would fall into these bouts of nihilism and a sense of detachment (nowhere near as bad as now) I remember at the time I described as the worst feeling ive ever felt, i fucking wish that was the worst feeling ive ever felt.
I remember this one thought in particular really scared me: if our consciousness is the result of the rapid and numerous firing of neurons than what exactly is controlling our consciousness? Since the laws of physics are external and govern everything then wouldn’t they also govern the neuronal firing and chemical reactions within our brain, rather than the “self”? Isn’t the inner activity going on in our brain merely a reaction to the external environment thats entirely under the laws of phsyics? Thus every thought, action, or emotion is merely a product of a complex chemical, atomic, and physical reaction. If the “self” truly existed than that would necessitate a supernatural existence of the soul. This would be beyond science.
Oddly enough, this thought scared me way more back then than it does now. My brain is too foggy to really comprehend it.
It almost makes too much sense. It was a giant ass chain of events. I was already prone to experiencing brief episodes of Depersonalization since I was very little. So as the stress and feelings of inadequacy and existential thoughts accumulated I fell into a depression, being depressed and feeling hopeless scared the shit out of me,so I had a panic attack, having a panic attack sent me into this state of dp/dr.
Its so bizarre to me now, trying to imagine how i possibly could’ve been sad in my past life: In a life with no dp/dr or emotional numbness. I just dont get it.
When I overcome this, or perhaps the way to overcome this involves me being more emotionally open. And stop wasting my fucking childhood contemplating pointless existential quandaries. I also need to learn to he content with what I have, and stop feeling inadequate. I feel like that would be easy considering my old life seems like heaven compared to now
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