Odd for me to make this short. It's not full recovery, not yet, but things have got real clear.
I have been diagnosed as having "Over Stimulation Anxiety", it often isn't felt but means it's on fight or flight all day, they are changing medications to sort this out and crash the stimulation I have from anxiety.
I realise this is so true, because after 3 days in hospital, feeling all alone, 4 walls, I was past it, emotionally, physically shaking bad, massive eyes, heart rate of 137, but a blank mind with no thoughts... so what changed?
Well it basically broke me, seeing many doctors and all the tests, I am drained. Not seeing anyone in hospital, it gets long, twice I walked out the front and just broke down and cried, hit rock bottom.. so i couldn't believe when I walked around the hospital towards the end of my stay and i was like "i'm walking in first person", it's just snapped, my vision changed, I now feel in the moment, like many, I didn't have any relief, it was just an hour of staring around... thinking.
I went for a shower in hospital after this, looked at the mirror and I was back, I looked different and I was connected. Again, this was like, oh. Now already I am like, I can't really imagine any other way.. already, it's like, this is what normal life is like, now I feel so much more emotions.. it's raw, the anxiety is super high but it's my body letting the emotional block break, it's gonna happen slowly, but i can feel it's coming, been a few days in my body now, it's not going anywhere, i'm back to first person, emotions of suicide, loneliness, shame, regret, all those things are up front, but i wanna feel, my talk therapist agrees, it's gonna be intense or is anyway, but I got to let the emotions flow, to get myself back, in a way this is the start, or a big kick step to normality.
Medication - Lorazepam and Beta Blockers for the stimulation.
Reason this happened? - Broke the emotional barrier with a break down, a proper one, haven't cried in years. God it was good.
For me, only thing left is depression and anxiety, DP is slipping away, already I find things like playing drums so easy in comparison, i got admitted on Wednesday 6am after no sleep, out Friday, so this has happened really fast.
100% recovery story coming up, i've been told to get off all screens, my stress level is through the roof, time to take a bit of time out and just enjoy life again.
Oh and Meds are getting added for depression Abilify is what they are thinking.
Love you guys and girls