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Depression and existential thoughts


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#1 ivleo

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Posted 15 July 2020 - 01:47 PM

For those who've also suffered from depression while dp'd, how did you deal with the existential thoughts? It's a pretty tough combo, to be honest. First of all, i literally don't understand why I'm alive. When I was in a better mood I just used to shrug off the question, because I simply thought that I was alive because my parents made me. With this depression, though, everything feels...strange?
I can't really process the thought of being alive, sometimes it gives me anxiety. Like, "mh, I'm really experiencing all of this right now, but why? why am i even here, what's the purpose of all this?" etc.
Also, the worst thoughts are about solipsism. Since I'm depressed, I really don't wanna be alive right now. My solipsism OCD tells me that the only reason I have ( right now) to live, my parents, could just be useless because they could be fake and all of this could be fake and therefore this suffering is completely useless and I could just kill myself and end it there.
I know that thoughts are thoughts, but they feel real, especially with depression and OCD.
Any advice would be helpful!

#2 Where

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Posted 15 July 2020 - 02:00 PM

Asking why can become a new obsession. Someone posted a link to a podcast about that on DPSH, pertaining specifically to depersonalization, but I don't remember where. Things simply are. Your parents, who are both conscious and real, conceived you, and that is how you came into this world. Why is just a matter of intention. Why did the tree bend in that direction? Maybe it was to reach the sun. Why do you eat food? Probably because you get an appetite. Why are you alive? Because you've, in spite of struggles, been disinclined to die. It's not so confusing or complicated.

#3 ivleo

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Posted 15 July 2020 - 02:58 PM

Yeah, you're right. My ocd, however, simply can't digest that. It's like "well, I don't have any proof of others being conscious. guess you must be imagining all of this in a huge psychedelic trip!" Funny, but very tough at times.

#4 PerfectFifth

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Posted 15 July 2020 - 05:44 PM

Like, "mh, I'm really experiencing all of this right now, but why? why am i even here, what's the purpose of all this?"

 

What do you want for an answer? It seems that you're assuming some sort of human-relatable reason here, some sort of agency and objective purpose behind it all, like there was some entity—who of course thinks exactly like a human—who thought it would be cool to have all this stuff doing all this stuff, and so it made the stuff do stuff. Yeah, you're not the only one, hence the existence of so many different religions. We just want to shove agency everywhere; it's natural for us to do so. Doesn't mean there is actual agency everywhere. There is probably no reason, at least the kind that would satisfy you, for your existence. There sure are physical processes that gave rise for your existence, but there isn't some grand cosmic narrative with a protagonist and antagonist that you're probably looking for here. 

 

Here's the reason for your existence: billions of years of evolution. 

 

I think your question is essentially a loaded one. You're assuming something unsubstantiated in your question. It's basically asking "what purpose did my creator have (for me) when he made me?" I think your question has that embedded into it. I'm sorry if that's ultimately a strawman, but that's how I interpret your predicament. 

 

Clearly the evidence, what we know of biological organisms and the universe, won't satisfy you as a reason for your existence. That's why you're grasping here. You seem to want something you can relate to, that there was a consciousness that wanted something with us humans. You want objective purpose given to us by some sort of agent. Something neat and convenient like that, that appeals to your human mind. Well, you're out of luck and stuck forever if that's what you want because the evidence is not coming in.

 

For those who've also suffered from depression while dp'd, how did you deal with the existential thoughts?

DP never gave me any more existential thoughts than I had prior to it. I don't see why it needs to. If my sense of self is distorted, I have no reason to attribute it to anything but some sort of neurological disturbance because that's what it really is. Nothing more. The self-construct is a result of the physical interaction of neurons just like everything else, and prone to abnormalities which then directly impact your consciousness. 



#5 Where

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Posted 15 July 2020 - 10:40 PM

Yeah, you're right. My ocd, however, simply can't digest that. It's like "well, I don't have any proof of others being conscious. guess you must be imagining all of this in a huge psychedelic trip!" Funny, but very tough at times.


That does sound tough, but I've never heard of a psychedelic trip doing that. I've never heard of a guy going grocery shopping, using toilet paper to wipe his ass, sleeping and waking up hundreds, maybe thousands of times, paying taxes, doing all of this in a trip. That's just not how trips work. It's not how dreams work either, if you're going off all we know about dreams. You can experience false awakening in dreams but you can't use a computer operating system or look at yourself in the mirror without it constantly warping, because the brain is just not capable of imaging all of these sensory experiences.

#6 ivleo

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Posted 16 July 2020 - 12:01 AM

Yeah, you both are right. Fifth, I appreciate the brutal honesty, it actually worked pretty well hahah

#7 PerfectFifth

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Posted 16 July 2020 - 08:55 AM

Yeah, you both are right. Fifth, I appreciate the brutal honesty, it actually worked pretty well hahah

Well, good to hear. I know I'm blunt, but it's just the way I tend to write. I'm not hostile or trying to be disrespectful (and hopefully aren't) or anything. 






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