Feel like existence, the human experience itself is weird, feel so trapped and need help!
Posted 24 June 2020 - 05:47 PM
Anwyays, im really struggling. I have bad OCD for as long as I can remember and i had bad bouts of dp/dr before but have gotten through them. This time, though, i think because of the stress of the coronavirus lockdown, its way more intense. Whats really stumping me is feeling like my vision is weird like i cant see properly even though i have 20/20 vision, its like everything feels lumped together or like i cant process it all at once.
THEN, even more so is this like concept that makes me not even feel like i want to “recover”? It is so very terrifying and is making me miserable. I used to wanna feel real again, to not have the burden of a fear or whatever, but it really stumps me when i now feel like life itself is, like, just a concept? As if the human experience irks me. Its a perfect trap, really, because then even saying “better days will come” doenst bring relief, when existing itself is what doesnt seem to make any sense.
I kinda wish i could just be sad or even numb u know? Just have panic attacks, like before. At least i didnt question existing. I was alive. It kinda feels like im not anymore. And i dont know exactly what to do with myself like this. Nothing is enjoyable, not eating, not treating myself, not watching stuff. I just dont know. Its a perspective, so in this perspective, i guess i cant see things any other way, thats the very problem.
i just really miss the idea of someone holding my hand feeling natural. Of dancing, of experiencing. Its all going too fast i cant fathom any of this and i mean, when youre sad, you know it can pass, but how can the fact that being a human doesn’t feel okay pass? It has me so so so stuck. And i feel like im not explaining it right, and i know it cant really be explained because its pretty abstract. I miss seeking solace in real life but now even the concept of missing all that feels strange? What is missing something? Why is any of that enjoyable? How did it feel natural? I cant explain it. These words dont do enough.
What is laughing? Why is that experience enjoyable? Where is this information this processing occuring?What are emotions? Nothing seems palpable like our awareness is just odd our existence is odd and i dont mean it in a depression way like oh why should i laugh if i feel numb, i mean like existentially what even is numb? The experience of being a human, the experience of sight, of moving of talking of a hug its not that im numb its that it feels unnatural???
Its like im living conceptually but not experiencing it. I love the little things in life but now even that sentence makes no sense to me. At least not when i entertain fear fantasy land. But its so hard I could go on and on in circles, ive had so many nonsensical fears lately, but i dont see a point in doing anything if im literally scared of being alive ????
Idk like even object permanence is like wtf?
The fact that we have names for things, etc it
I used to just want the unreal feelings to pass but now I don’t even know what that means, how will i enjoy life again if it feels like the human experience is flawed or something? Its like a neverending trap! Has anyone ever had this before? And this is on top of all the other symptoms of dp/dr, plus other fears that my consciousness is warped forever even when i die or that I’m the only person in existence or that the laws of life dont apply to me or something!
I used to fear schizophrenia or psychosis or a brain tumor but even those have explanations and possible solutions, what im afraid of feels like the ultimate! There is NO relief.
Am i alone in this? Any insight would help
Posted 24 June 2020 - 11:05 PM
Not sure if it makes you feel any better and not sure if it makes me feel any better either being able to relate to someone but i can relate to everything youre saying. This last relapse i had has put me in a place youve pretty much described and its scary cause its like what feeling am i even working towards. like how will i know if ive made progress or if im even on the path to recovering when i completely cant even remember what normal or life is supposed to feel like.
- Anxious123 likes this
Posted 25 June 2020 - 02:00 AM
When you are cured of DP/DR you do not go back to the person you were before you got DP/DR. You simply are free from the DP/DR experience. Being free from DP/DR is not something you can bring up in your memory very well because it is simply a perception of reality. It is not even really a feeling, it is mostly just a perception. When your perception changes then you can't remember a former perception, all you now know is the perception that you now have. You have memories of your former feelings and actions but trying to remember a perception is almost impossible. Actually if you think about it to much then you will always have DP/DR. Thinking that way only induces more DP/DR because it is like you are trying to figure something out that does not even really exist. It is simply a distorted perception of reality and the more that you try to pinpoint that perception and make it "real" and "tangible" then the more your perception of things will become distorted.
Thats why it is so easy to get trapped in DP/DR. It is like a Chinese finger trap, the more you try to pull out of it the more of a hold it actually has on you. The very action of thinking about DP/DR or about not having DP/DR is what keeps DP/DR stuck in your head, until that is realized then it is almost impossible to get out of the trap.
I think what the anxious part of you actually seeks is peace of mind, a state of being in agreement with one's experience. When you find this kind of balance, existential ruminations won't affect you anymore, as they become irrelevant. The balance can be restored by re-identifying yourself with your presence here and restoring the sense of it having a purpose. Now there's something inside yourself that blocks this from happening and you have to discover what it actually is.
Maybe try to look at it this way: it may feel that we're completely imprisoned by the way existence works but that's not the case. There's a deeper, transcendent part to each of us; something that keeps us being ourselves despite physical reality being a constant change. One may call it soul, spirit, eternal "I" but, whatever it actually is, it *is* there as an empirical fact. As it happens, severe anxiety deprives us of being able to feel this kind of transcendence. Our minds are constructed in such a way that whenever a danger is perceived, they switch into a short-term focus mode. A kind of tunnel vision kicks in, making a person concentrate exclusively on current situation and lose the wider context of things. "Fear kills the spirit".
Now, it's only a small theory, but perhaps relevant. The above is a basic survival mechanism but it also happens to affect the way we interpret the world. It makes us pointlessly hyper-vigilant; our mind, at the unconscious level, tries to find the way out of a situation it perceives as dangerous. And because, in case of anxiety disorders, there's objectively *no* dangerous situation to be escaped, reality itself starts to be perceived as such. It may be compared to auto-immune reaction in the body, when defensive actions are triggered against benevolent cells, hormones etc. We start to overanalyze various aspects of life / existence, scanning the fabric of reality for flaws and, again unconsciously, trying to locate the source of danger. This leads to existential questions, doubts and fears, which of course fuel our anxiety even more. We essentially create the enemy for ourselves to "justify" the whole anxiety machinery running full-speed.
These are things i go back to that have helped me. Ultimately, I guess just trying to keep busy, allowing ourselves to be overwhelmed when its too hard to keep busy, and saying “well, hey im here, when my mind calms it will seem more natural, it only seems not that way because of how im thinking”
Easier said than done and i cant always trust in that, but im trying. I wish you lots of relief!
Posted 25 June 2020 - 02:01 AM
If your mind is calm, it wouldn’t fixate on all this i suppose
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