Journal Fri, Feb. 9 : The Reason Why

I think maybe it would be beneficial if I wrote about why I've suffered with DP all my life.
Because if I'm self aware enough to have it, I'm self aware enough to know exactly why.

And it's simple.
I have father issues, plus perhaps a very sensitive mind.

Let me explain.
My Dad, hasn't had a steady job. Therefore he stays home all day.
My mother, works very hard and has a wonderful job and is even working towards her PHD right now.
I only see her at night, and then soon after, she goes to sleep.

So naturally, my dad's a pretty depressing guy at home.
And while my two siblings were busy with high school and my mother was busy with work I'd stay home as a child with my father.
In all honesty, I was scared of the man.

I was scared of everyone in my family,I had been getting bullied at school and then I'd come home to be verbally bullied even worse.
I don't exactly know what I did, for the most part I minded my business.
After all I was scared.
But I always did something wrong.

I grew up being yelled at, and made fun of.
The only person who was there for me kind of was my mother.

I don't know if this makes sense, but my dad is not abusive - he just has the personality of someone who would abuse their wife and children.
I can't even feel bad about saying it, because it's true.
Everyone knows it.

My siblings moved out the house the first chance they got, because of it.
I'm the only one left at home, and in all honesty I don't want to leave my mother in the house with him.
And she's told me multiple times not to leave her, begged even.

He came from a household where his father hit his mom, and now he acts like his father but just doesn't hit us.
My father is a stranger to me, and yet we live together.

When I was little, I used to hide when I heard him or my sister coming down stairs (their personality was the same.)
My sister was even worse than my father, god she was scary when she was angry.
She'd locked me out the house alot of the time, during the winter even without a coat. Just pushing me out there.

She'd made me do things for her, and I'd always be afraid of messing up.
I was so afraid of conflict, because conflict wasn't just "conflict" with these people.
Things would get intense, scary.

Alot of my childhood was spent alone, actually ALL of my childhood was spent alone in front of a TV waiting for my mother to come home.
While my dad was often no where around.
And when he was he spent his time yelling about something.
And when he yells he really yells.

I'd hallucinate his voice when I was alone, yelling my name.
He always yells my name.
I still do to this day.
It drives me crazy.

To this day,sometimes I have bad panic attacks when I think he's coming downstairs.

Once I started to take martial arts classes during the summer when I was 9, and I'd come home and he'd remind me that I was never strong enough to ever beat him.

So I quit.

Once, and god knows I hate sharing it.(TW I guess) I don't actually share this with anyone, because I never knew what to think about it myself.

But one day, He took me by the neck pushed me in the bathroom and locked me inside with him. As some sort of a joke? But he had his hands wrapped my neck the whole time and me pinned to the wall.
I could breath yeah.
Was I scared shitless?Of course.
But he was laughing, so I was playing it off and laughing too while calling for my mom for a little bit of help.
As she banged on the door.

In those situations my DP really takes action. And nothing is real, and I feel nothing, and I'm pushed to the back of my mind numb and practically sleeping with my eyes open.

It was a scary experience, and I know people have gone through worse or whatever.
And he saw it as some joke? And it was a joke right?

But to me it was a reminder that he could do anything to me if he wanted to. And I was weak.
And even my mom constantly says to me to tell her if he does anything to me.

I mean, and god just hearing that at that age.
That even my mother thought, the man who was her husband, the man who was my father was unpredictable and potentially dangerous to me.

Ugh. I hate talking about it.It's really stupid I know.

I'm not allowed to get mad, to say anything.
To stick up for myself. I'm not allowed.
I've never been allowed.
If I say something I'm defiant.

A defiant child, who should keep their mouths shut no matter what.
I hated myself for a long time, because this is what was installed in my head.

Even if these people say they love me, man I don't know.

And so that's the story of my DPD.
And I'm homeschooled, so theres no real hope for recovery until maybe I move out.

And I can't tell my Therapist any of this stuff, because I'm scared some of the things he does may be worthy of child services getting involved. And I really don't need that in my life right now.
I've survived this long.
I'm 16, I'll be fine.

It's not like I've been raped,or molested, or anything.

I don't feel like any of this is worth my mind breaking off from reality, and some may disagree.
But I don't know.

Whatever. I'll be fine.