My symptoms of depersonalization and the way I feel. Opening up helps alot.
depersonalization anxiety mental health disassociation panic attacks recovery symptoms health opening up
I have no idea how I am controlling my body, as I type this, it is like someone else is controlling my body. I don't feel present. My body feels robotic and on autopilot. The sky looks strange tonight, the world seems so weird and foreign to me, my mind is not connected to anything and has not been for months.
I understand that all my mind is doing is detaching itself in order to protect me and that is so cool that my mind can do that, but I wish it did not come with so much anxiety and questionable thoughts of going mad.
I know that I exist, that I do not question, but I do wonder how objects exist if they have no life, I wonder if I close my eyes, is everything around me real, how can it be real? Maybe this is a image programmed in to my mind, how can it be real if it does not have life? Existential thoughts are such a mind fuck.
I look at my body and I wonder how on earth I am moving it, I feel I have no connection to it, how do I know how to move my toes, how do I walk, I don't know how I am doing it I just am, how do I know how to speak but I am not aware of myself even thinking, it is like my mouth just comes out with it all. I have no clue how I am typing on this computer as I have zero connection, but something in me just knows how to do it. I feel like everyday I am just on autopilot and the other half of me is just very far away.
My perception of time has changed dramatically; Christmas was three weeks ago, in my head it was five months ago. I have had this condition for seven months but in my head it feels like seven fucking years. Time seem to go slower but somehow the days feel alot longer, like they go on forever.
My memories feel like the memories of someone else, like I am in someone else' life, they're so alien to me and my time perception off. A memory of something that happened last year feels so hazy and so fake (dream-like)
I feel so alienated to my environment, to myself, my body, my voice, my memories, the planet (lol)
Alot of the time, when it gets too much I find myself zoning out from it all.
I remain hopeful that I will recover. It may not be tomorrow, next week, next month but I have faith I will one day wake up and all of this will be over and I can get on with my life again and learn from this.
Depersonalization can be a blessing.
- Burty12 likes this