My story of depersonalization
depersonalization anxiety derealzation depression mental health
This is my story of depersonalization and the road I am on to recovery.
After many anxiety/panic attacks I was literally at breaking point with it all. It is very hard to explain it but I was in my bedroom and all of a sudden my house seemed very strange and very different. I was sitting on my bed and looking out the window and the sky just seemed so different and it felt like things just didnt feel normal and non existent. I tried explaining it to my husband but I couldn't find the words. I thought to myself "oh, it will pass" but I woke up the next day & it was still there, it was like my environment felt so different and strange like there was a barrier between me and normality like a separation (for many d/p suffers you know how hard it is to describe!) so that day I went shopping and I felt like I was floating around the shop, it felt fuzzy & hazy, the best way I can describe it is I felt like I had smoken cannabis, I was looking at the sky and it felt so strange (exactly like the picture attached) we drove home and I was looking at my house and it felt so strange like foreign to me. I laid in bed that night feeling very high. I have a history with ptsd following a cannabis indecent so as you can image this causes alot of anxiety for me.
As the weeks followed I felt even more disconnected from everything around me, I went to see my Dr & she suggested coming off the Citalopram and going on to mirtazapine, it did help but I had an allergic reaction. The citalopram withdrawls where horrible and made my anxiety worst and did nothing to help the depersonalization at all.
One day I woke up and my depersonalization went away, I ran around shouting in pure happiness and crying with relive but then it came back the next day!!!!
Over time I have now become extremely detached from all my memories, they feel so fake and time perception has changed alot, I know that events have happened but they feel like they didnt and instead of being months ago it was years ago. I can not connect myself to anything at all, I look at photo's of me and although I have memory of it, I find it hard believing it's me.
Dr put me on 50mg of Zoloft then to 100mg, it helps soooo much with the anxiety but it made my depersonalization 100 x worst and the intrusive thoughts are over whelming. I came off it but the anxiety got soooo bad I had a panic attack and collapsed so I went back on them, only 25mg but they have helped alot with the anxiety.
Right now, I guess I just feel very depressed and lonely, I have had this seven months and it won't go....but it is the only thing on my mind. I don't really have anyone to talk to at the moment as no one really understands.