I'm starting this blog in order to 1) acknowledge my feelings in an attempt to understand how to be better and 2) hopefully make a connection that will maybe help others contextualize their feelings. I've expereience DRDP and/or some level of debilitating anxiety for nearly as long as I can remember. I've been able to distill my expereince down to an intense and overwhelming fear of isolation from the tangible world, a gestaltian crisis of sorts. There is no means of making a connection between the parts and so the whole is either incopmrehensible or seemingly nonexistent, resulting in a sever feeling of removal and complete isolation from the external world... which is fing TERRIFYING. This is ussually accomanied by some variety of extreme fight or flight response, blurred vission, racing heart, numbness tingling ect... I used to experience this at least a few times a week, but in the past few years the frequency of episodes has reduced to about once monthly and now to maybe once every few months. I recognize the signs now and, while its still frightening, I can get through.
The major issue for me now is the numbness. I feel simply incapable of experienceing any kind of emotion. Pride for my kids - nothing, joy for an accomplishment - nothing, sadness over a loss - nothing... just nothing. No significant memories, no impressionable nostalgia, no ambition... just emptiness, exhaustion and numbness. This has lead me to often question what the hell is wrong with me, like why should I feel so barren internally when outwardly my life is pretty ok? Why can't I engage with my sons as well as I know I should, why can' I be the effectionate husband that my wife deserves, why can"t I find the drive to be successful in my carrer?
So I'm working on it and I think for me, step one is to try and let go of the guilt.
- SJ_ likes this