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tired

Posted by Ernestia Ignis, 10 August 2018 · 296 views

whatever

Hi.
This is my first entry.
I'm tired.
I'm not going to go too much into how I first got this disorder... i guess i got it from a trauma caused by by my parents, but whatever.
I just feel tired.

 

my medications aren't doing shit right now. I've tried augmenting seratonin, dophamine, norepinephrine.... etc. using various shit, although dophamine and norepinephrine, not that much.
That's about it. I've also tried noloxone and lamictal.
the reason i feel hopeless
is because augmenting/ inhibiting these
is really all the doctor's have...

 

I fought with my doctor to give me a neurologist.... he wouldn't' send the referral.
after half an hour of arguing, he finally gave me a neurologist.
I went to pakistan, and visited another neurologist there.
He was shit.
Recommended me CBT and risperone of all things (risperone is an antipsychotic).
CBT....
I argued with him for half an hour and got a PET and an EEG because the jerk wasn't writing it to me.
.....I don't really want to learn how to live with it...
.....I want a cure....
...... I deserve to be happy....
That's it......
That's all I ask for.....
this thing is inhibiting my ability to interact with family and friends, do daily activites.... feel...... i cant respond to conversation, i can't percieve emotional memory or emotion.... or have a sense of self. blank mind....
this thing doesnt fluctuate with anxiety... I have no anxiety.... it stays the same.
And before you tell me, just forget about it and move on with life.... let me remind you that every DP case i different..... i don't even know if this is DP, it might not be. And DP is caused by alot of different things, there is no one solution for all.

 

anyways..... i want to die.
I daydream about suicide just about every day.
I'm hopeless, because the doctors cant do anything. I've seen multiple psychiatrists, they all say the same shit.
I think I'm just going to end up killing myself in the end because it's too painful. I feel too alone.
I don't really care what i say.
some idiot's gonna say "oh great, here's another "suffering story", say something positive people, we need positivity...."
yeah, sure.
But we suffer.
Let us suffer.
end of post.






I'm sorry. I just saw your other post. Let us charge our suffering into our passions. You're goals inspired me.

 

If the doctors are shit, we can find our own answers. I'm sure it's possible. And you are one of the few that had that kind of idea and intention. Before All this I was that kind of person too. I didn't need anyone to fix my problems or figure my shit out...I fixed it on my own. I'm sure many will rally with you. There is too much left to live. Don't leave now.

 

One last adventure. You've got eons and eons to die and be dead. Now, make it count that you're alive.

Thank you for such a comment my friend
It lifts me up through difficult times 😊

September 2020

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