Depersonalisation ocd weird thoughts
I just have this constant habit of over analyzing and paying close attention to everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, I do. I even pay attention to how I think and the thoughts I get. It's horrible, and I honestly don't know how to escape this. I honestly can't even think anymore because of this, because I'm always so fixated on my thinking and how it works and all of that. And it's not just here and there. It's all. Day. Long. I can't stop focusing on when I'm thinking, what I'm thinking, and how I'm thinking. For example, if I go downstairs to get something to eat, I'll ask myself, "was that me wanting to get something to eat? Or was it just my brain telling me to?" That probably doesn't even make any sense but that's pretty much the best I can explain it. I'm just overly, overly obsessed with watching myself, my thought process, how it works, etc. Its seriously debilitating. And honestly, I can't even think of anything else anymore, because I can't understand how thinking works. Sometimes I can't even tell when I'm thinking, because I'm so obsessed and overly aware with catching myself thinking about something, and how it works. And sometimes I wonder, "is it me thinking the things I think about? Or is it just my brain reacting to things and processing information?" Or, "how do thoughts happen? What makes someone have a thought? Do they just pop into your head without you noticing, or does the person really want to think about what comes into their mind?" It should make sense, but for some reason I just can't make sense of it, no matter how much I think about it. It's really, really bad. It's like I don't even remember what it's like to actually think and be focused on something else, and be totally invested in something other than this crap. I can't even talk anymore, because whenever I go to talk to someone, I'm overly aware of the very act of me talking and responding. It's the weirdest thing. I'm also aware that I used to have social anxiety, and whenever I would talk to people, I'd be overly aware of myself. Not in the same way of course, this self awareness is a lot different, but I'd just always be overly self conscious. Now, I can't understand how that works. Like it just feels like I was never aware of myself being self conscious, if that makes sense lol. I mean I was, like I knew I had social anxiety, but I never actually analyzed it while it was happening, if that even makes sense. And now, whenever anyone talks to me, it's like I EXPECT myself to be that way. I've just been in this funk for so long that I don't even remember the way I used to act, and how I can even be the way I used to be again. It's like I haven't been a properly functioning human being in so long and now my brain is stuck in this completely disoriented mindset. And I can honestly say that I have never, EVER thought like this in my entire life. I've been kind of off for the past three months, but this really started about maybe a month ago or so. And it's not really just thoughts, it's also the act of just being aware, constantly, all day long. It's like I don't know how to BE anymore. I don't know how I'm going to live on like this, because if I'm constantly overly aware of myself, even my thoughts, then how am I going to effectively communicate with people and be in a relationship and all that if I can't even function? It really terrifies me that I'll always be like this and never get better. It just feels like I'm in too deep and that I can't unthink these things. It makes me want to kill myself a lot because I can't live on like this. Please help. Any advice would be appreciated.