Tell us about your dp experience
Posted 22 February 2017 - 10:47 AM
Posted 08 March 2017 - 01:17 AM
To begin with the DPD in recent years. I have PTSD, but I think it developed after the DPD. I would cry myself to sleep for days at a time, and then I would just feel nothing for weeks. Emptiness. Hollow inside. I look in the mirror and I touch my face, run my hands down my sides to feel that I am real. I remember realizing I had curves one day, I was standing in front of the mirror for 15 minutes just looking at myself trying to ground myself, and was like "Oh I have curves, where did those come from". I've worn hoodies for the past 6 years, until my mom hides them from me in the summer. It's the one thing that's real to me, I brush my hair to help ground myself. No one gets it. I feel like I'm living on a cloud, I've never been high but I've been asked if I am a stoner if that helps explain it.
Last year from January to September, I had nightmares. I had met an older guy whom I had convinced myself I loved. Our relationship was completely online. Please no judging. I was trying to feel something, anything. I found out after a month that he was married but by then I had been sexting him already and he had convinced me it wasn't an issue,he was getting a divorce. I started to feel for the first time in a very long time with him. I didn't know what to do, but it hurt so much that all of my repressed emotions for so many years were surfacing, without a filter. I was suicidal for the first time in 7 years, because I couldn't control the emotions flooding me. And then my guy was gone. We went from talking one day to him disappearing the next. It felt like my chest was being ripped open, heart torn in two. I was a mess for about a month, then feeling was gone again. My nightmares were too. I'd pinch myself, bite my arms to see if I felt the pain. I did but it was more sensing it, there wasn't really any pain. I'd cry without feeling. Eventually the tears stopped because I didn't see the use when I felt nothing again.
Moving on to the past few months since then. I'm in my senior year in high school. Going to college next year. I have been lost though. And then I had a friend who gave one of her coworkers my number, told him I could sext and etc. I'd told myself I would never do that again, I wouldn't get distracted. But he was different from others, and a week after I first texted him I lost my virginity. It wasn't because I love him, it just happened. I didn't see why I shouldn't, considering how life is but a dream anyways. Nothing feels real. I'd always thought that sex was some sort of super stimulant, you feel everything in hyper senses, you know? It happened on a picnic table in middle of February. He kept commenting on how he was surprised I wasn't cold, but it was because I don't feel cold temperatures. I barely felt him touching me unless I physically looked at him, the most momentous thing I remember was looking up at the sky and realizing I didn't remember the last time I'd seen so many stars. I felt like I was intruding on my own body, watching through a strangers eyes.
Since then I've lied to my parents more than I have in my entire life, I've met him several more times, and I know I should feel immensely guilty but mostly I just feel angry for no reason. Music is the only thing that calms me, brings me down to earth and keeps me from losing it. It's the only remedy I have used countless times over the years, like I am addicted to it. When I listen to music I can feel, it moves me, like I can't even explain it. I just feel constantly on the verge of going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore lol, so I guess if anyone has tips or has gone through anything similar to this, I'd appreciate any help. I'm so detached from everyone that my family doesn't even know I've suffered from ptsd for 9 years. They assume I'm fine, because I let my body do the thinking for me. It's like I barely control myself. Sorry for such a long post xD
Posted 11 March 2017 - 03:52 PM
growing up i was emotionally and narcissistically abused by my father while living with my mom who also physically and emotionally abused me. my parents got divorced when i was 2 with lots of hatred towards each other. i was bullied in school for racial reasons, begged girls who bullied me to be friends with me, hate my race and family because of the bullying, and was ashamed of my mom coming to school. as you can tell my childhood wasn't easy and all of that resulted in depression and anxiety in a very young age and now depersonalization
i first experienced depersonalisation when i was 5, i remember feeling that my soul left my body for a couple of seconds, this feeling came occasionally, ironically i used to enjoy it, but now i'd do anything to get rid of it. I don't know when did i first experience the chronic depersonalization but it was about 4 years ago, i knew something was wrong, i woulld enter school thinking "is this place real?" "am i dreaming?" and many more. just recently i decided to see a professional psychologist, 30th of November to be exact, he officially diagnosed me with depersonalisation, but when i asked him "will it ever go away ?" his answer was that he'll teach me how to get used to it cause thats the only solution
that made everything worse because basically he was saying that it won't go away, i truly believed that cause he was the best in my entire country (charging 300$ for 45 minutes) i gave him a second chance and we tried hypnosis didn't do much since i have a very awake mind.
now i, seeing a deferent therapist who is specialised in childhood problems and i feel more comfortable.
the thing that ive noticed is that when some people talk about there depersonalisation they talk as if it lasts for a couple of hours a day, but for me it is 24/7 and thats what my therapists don't get? is depersonalisation suppose to be for a couple of hours?
and i want to know is it possible for someone like me to get cured?
btw im 18 years old now
Posted 24 March 2017 - 08:09 PM
My symptoms are confusing and varied to the point where I don't know exactly what is wrong with me and don't know if I'm actually the same person or in existence anymore! Hopefully someone can relate.
So my main issue at the moment is speaking and body movements. I have no Idea how words are coming out of my mouth. I think of what I'm going to say and then it is somehow just said. It feels like shapes of my mouth aren't being made by me and I'm constantly analysing how I'm doing it. It feels like I haven't learnt how to make these shapes with my mouth so it certainly doesn't feel like I am making them. It's Iike it's too subconscious, and there's no thought process into how I'm doing it. I couldn't tell you how to speak and what shapes you are able to make but it somehow happens.
I have similar problems with general movements. I can't work out how I'm able to move my muscles and again little thought seems to go into actions yet somehow they are happening!
Apart from this I sometimes genuinely believe I'm not real, that the people around me are not real and that somehow this is all just not happening. And yet I am somewhat perplexed by the fact people don't seem to notice anything wrong with me which just gives me a feeling of further detachment between my brain and body. It feels like the person I was (or at least think I was) never actually existed and infact this is the right way to be, though I know it isn't.
I don't seem to look at my body or get feelings towards it in the right way. I can see it is all attached, yet I feel I'm not conscious enough of it and don't have the connection with it that I used to.
Finally, I don't seem to get words and how I'm forming a sentence. I find it weird how I'm able to put words together, and then once I have, I have to think of the meaning of that word and how it fits with the words before and after it.
Anyway if that rambling mess made any sense, I'd love to know if anyone has dealt with similar.
Posted 21 April 2017 - 11:28 PM
Hello to this community of extremely strong individuals. The fact that you are here recognizing your experiences is strength in itself, a depersonalized/derealized mindset is something (as we all know) that at times feels unbearable. I admire you all for getting up every morning and living with whatever sensations you may be facing. This may be a semi unorganized train of thought and I can't include everything. This also may not even be seen by many, but writing this helps me so I hope it will help you.
I am a college student who was hit by this shield back in october of this year. I call it a shield because that is the best way I can describe what majority of these feelings are like. This shield sits in front of you, blocking your emotions, blocking your connections to others, and blocking you from that feeling we once took for granted, feeling present and ALIVE. I won't go into detail on all of the symptoms throughout my experience with this, but feel free to message me if you want to know more.
There's a few things I've learned along the way that may help others, something I vowed to share if I ever got comfortable doing so because it's disgraceful the lack of information there is on this topic. It appears a lot of what we have is simply the support of one another. Which leads me to lesson one...
*giving any attention to some of the horribly cynical posts on here will only push you backwards. It was in the moment I was laying on my bed for the 7th day in a week that I realized I cannot compare my personal experience to anyone elses because no two people are the same AT ALL. This is true and highly disregarded in mental illness BUT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND, 100 people can have depression and each one can have different symptoms and different reasons why. Same thing with dpdr. This feels like a scary thought initially but then I thought of how promising it is. Just because the guy next to you has suffered for X amount of time HAS NO EFFECT on your experience. You may read John Doe's story and think everything he is saying aligns up with exactly what you're experiencing, but what you're missing is the hundreds of other factors that have contributed to his experience. Past, present, family, physical health etc. which will not match yours.
*THERE IS NO ONE WAY OUT OF THIS. THIS SHOULD NOT SCARE YOU. IT SHOULD REASSURE YOU. people will preach exercise, vitamins/supplements, healthy diet, distraction, acceptance, mindfulness, and some will swear by different medications. guess what? again, we are all different, and some of these methods may not work for you. This is where you make a pact with yourself that you WILL overcome this, it's not an option. and you will try each of these given all the power you have, because you have made it this far. DO NOT GET DISCOURAGED WHEN A CERTAIN METHOD ISNT WORKING. Does 1 SSRI work for every depressed person? no. Does 1 pair of glasses fix everyones sight? nope. I read 1000 times that acceptance is the key to beating dpdr and anxiety, but what how the fuck do you do that? why isn't this working? how can I accept something or distract myself from something that preoccupies my mind 24/7? you practice patience, you understand that time is the key to any form of healing. John may have learned acceptance in a week, it took me months. that is OKAY. did thomas edison pick up a light bulb and instantly light it up? hell no. he did trial and error, he fell down and got back up, he took one step forward only to be pushed back 10 more. but he had resilience. Do I feel 100% some days now? yes. can I feel 2% the day after? yes. but what will I do? NOT see it as a failure.
*let somebody know. LET YOUR FUCKIN SELF KNOW. write it down on paper. dont fight it. "i have depersonalization, I feel weird as hell and my world feels flipped upside down." there is something therapeutic about seeing it on paper. when I first did this I would look down at my hands and writing and be like "is this even me? I don't feel like I'm writing this." and then I would laugh because of course I'm writing it, its just this dumb ass shield that wants to play games with me. ITS SCARY. WE KNOW ITS SCARY. BUT GUESS WHAT? the only way to make this worse is to throw a pity party and do nothing about it. if you feel like shit and live every day exactly as you have been, you will continue to feel the same way. AND ITS HARD, ITS HARD AS SHIT. are there still days I let this get to me and spend hours sitting behind my computer? yes. but the sun always rises tomorrow and I have a chance to start trying again.
*some people will not understand, but the better part is, A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL. this website itself shows you how much you are not alone. when I became determined to find my way out and understand this mess I saw a lot of different psychologists/psychiatrists. the first one said "seems like a depressive episode, if this self help thing you're doing doesn't end up working, we'll throw you on some zoloft and you'll be fine." I NEVER WENT BACK THERE AGAIN. "throw" me on some zoloft. NO THANK YOU, another pro tip, if the doctor isnt willing to discuss all the ins and outs of a potential medication and they're pushing it on you and it doesn't feel right, chances are IT AINT RIGHT. I eventually found a woman who has taught me so much. THE SIMPLE REASSURANCE THAT I WASNT CRAZY AND THAT THIS WAS MY BODY TRYING TO PROTECT ME HELPS INFINITELY. Was it immediately helpful? no, because I spent so much time thinking this was something more serious, scared of what could be. Of course I knew it, I was in such a state of panic it was only a matter of time before my body decided to peace out. and thats the irony of it all, the exact defense mechanism thats trying to help you ends up scaring you out of your fuckin mind instead. it will take some time to digest that and believe it. thats where that word acceptance comes from all those recovery stories you see. acceptance has layers to it as well.
*ACCEPT THAT ACCEPTANCE WILL TAKE YOU TIME, YOU CANNOT CREATE A TIMELINE OF CHECKPOINTS IN RECOVERY. Well Billy Bob said he worked out and was cured in a month. Great for him, you are not billy bob so if his method doesn't work for you, THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU'RE TERMINAL. I had to accept I had this, it wasn't going to go anytime soon, and that it would take effort. You cannot simply push this state of mind away, it will only work against you. You must make friends with the enemy, shake hands with it, and devise a plan together. ONE OF THE BEST TIPS I GOT WAS FROM A PSYCHOTHERAPIST WHO SAID "usually if these feelings, such as the anxiousness, trapped, sad, detached ones you are facing decide to linger, it is your body's way of trying to send a message to you, try to listen for it." DPDR and anxious/depressed feelings are like that person at school who just picks on you whenever you're around for what seems like no reason. They want your attention, but don't give you anything useful or worth it. But they keep persistently doing it, why? Because you feed into it and give them attention. He/she who is picking on you gets off on the fact that you're expressing frustration and giving a response. And then you come to find out this person was picking on you because they like you, OHHH it all makes sense now. This is how you need to approach dpdr, look it in the eyes and ask what its doing here. DPDR, why did you choose me? This is the most frustrating for some people who spend hours researching causes. Did something in the past upset you? Are you traumatized by an experience? Are you stressed/tired? Do you dislike your job or feel unsatisfied with an aspect of your life? It may take time to figure out, and maybe this dpdr came about from substance use or a separate situation. However, this could still apply. Cannabis induced dpdr for example, "hm, was this because I smoked? why do I smoke? are there ways I could be healthier?" ANYTHING. "Have I always been anxious/depressed? Is this something new or were there earlier signs?" For me, I realized I was largely unsatisfied with my college, I felt I wasn't getting the experiences I had hoped for. THIS TOOK TIME TO FIGURE OUT. Often, some little things/thoughts we have stick more than we realize, and can subconsciously manifest themselves in different ways. With me, for example, I knew I was feeling kind of bored with school, but I didn't realize it would take smacking me in the face with anxiety/dpdr to make me do something about it.
*After some soul searching, nothing may come up. thats okay. continue to test yourself and TEST DPDR. I would go to class and feel like I floated there, I would look at the people around me and feel zero connection to them and like the entire experience wasn't real. Sometimes I would burst into tears and run out of the room. But eventually I decided to look DPDR dead in the eye and test it. What's gonna happen if I sit here, type these notes for an hour and feel invisible the whole time? NOTHING. You can still accomplish significant things while in the throws of DPDR states, but it likes to make you think you can't. It felt like I couldn't concentrate for shit, I sat for a 3 hour law test once, felt like a robot filling in all the answers, and left. WHAT WAS THAT? ME. I AM STILL ME JUST AS YOU ARE STILL YOU. I STILL KNOW THE INFORMATION I KNEW BEFORE DPDR HIT ME. I took that entire exam feeling like it was fully in my subconscious, and that's because you're still there behind the shield. You just have to fight your way out. Show dpdr that you live here, and it can't move in. Nothing about your surrounding reality is different, its your good friend dpdr shoving its butt in your face thats making you see it so differently.
*There are certain things in life that are 100% out of our control. Shit will get in your way, there are days you will feel like the world is resting all of its garbage on your shoulders. But the things you CAN control are your REACTIONS to those parts that are out of your control. You are the only mother fucker in this world that is you. 7.5 billion and only one of you. Live with that attitude and understanding. You will be stronger on the other side of this experience. Reach out, take a deep breath, talk to someone close, talk to yourself for gods sake. Find the silver lining, find help, message me or comment if you would like me to elaborate on any symptoms, experiences etc. that I have run into along the way. I could go on for relatively ever on this topic. I am viewing my suffering as another mans solace.
I hope observing my thoughts will give someone hope.
Posted 19 May 2017 - 08:02 AM
Hi Everyone, Im a 36 year old female with derealisation/depersonalisaion which Ive had for 12 years 24/7 and I couldn't give a damn about it! I get on with my life, dp does not rule me! I've been married, given birth and lost my mother suddenly, Ive had my ups and downs...I go abroad every year, I eat super healthy, oily fish 3 times a week, broccoli, spinach, tomatoes, a punnet of blueberries everyday (Ive eaten blueberries everyday for 4 years! ,raspberries, bananas, blackberries, green tea, chamomile tea, ginseng tea, 2 litres of water and vitamin D, magnesium and B complex....I've eat this way for 4 years, I also exercise regulary and years ago I accepted the fact that this will not go away.
I think I've always been an anxious child, I have 3 brother and 3 sisters and we were neglected as children, my mother had mental health issues and my dad was a alcoholic...we all got separated and were put into care and the 3 youngest were adopted. I was put in care with my sister with the worst foster parents ever, he was a paedophile and the wife knew about it, My sister was mentally and sexually abused from the age of 10 till she left at 18 and I was abused from the ages 8-10 years old...we finally plucked up the courage to tell the police 3 years ago and it went to trial and he got found guilty and was put away for 13 years...I started to have a drinking problem when I was about 23, I got really anxious all the time and found that drinking helped with my problems, I was also obsessed with my heart beat, it would skip beats all the time and was pretty scary for me and was obsessed with checking in with myself on how I was feeling...after a year of drinking heavily I started having panic attacks when I was sober thinking I was going to die if I didn't have any alchol, this played havoc on my mind. I remember laying on the sofa before Christmas watching superman and all of sudden things didn't look real! It was so frightening I thought I had a brain tumour or something...a couple of years later I moved to another house and googled and came across dp/dr I was so relieved I wasn't the only person in the world who had this hell in the head! I started working in our local pub and one day I was pulling a pint and my hands didn't seem like mine...it was so bloody freaky! (It still happens to this day, but I just shake it off and tell myself they are my hands lol!). When I was 27, I'd had enough of being drunk (I'm sure you all know dp/dr and hangovers are the worst thing in the world! ) I would normally drink as soon as I get up then all day, then do it again the next day...I was fed up of doing it so I sorted myself out and stopped!
I turned 36 on Sunday, yeah so what I have derealisation and yeah it does get me down and frustrated now and again but hey ho life goes on theres no point dwelling on it! I have a beautiful intelligent (and I mean really intelligent, I think he was born age 65 lol) I got married last year to my partner of 18 years and my life coudnt be happier! Another thing I have never told anyone about my condition, I think its hard for people to understand it unless you experience it, I told a doctor 10 years ago and all he said was 'are you on drugs!' and I think that scarred me for life to tell anyone.
Take care everyone....remember what the madhatter said in alice and wonderland...'I'm not mad, I just see the world differently from everyone else.'
- morph likes this
Posted 01 June 2017 - 03:13 AM
Had moments of DP/DR for a couple of months, was also very anxious and stressed out during those months. Ended up going through a stressful move, got sick with the flu. When I was feeling better I ended up having to go out and do lots of stuff and at one point in a crowded subway I felt a lot of depersonalization and sort of got really anxious and scared of it, since then I've had DP/DR and anxiety/panic that gets better and gets worse. I think one of the reasons I really got submerged into it so heavily is because when it first showed up I was really obsessive and scared of it, kept thinking I was going psychotic, sensitive to everything thinking I was going to start hallucinating. Slowly getting better, hopefully.
Posted 07 June 2017 - 02:52 AM
Ummm...I've never done anything like this...
I mean actually talk to people on the internet about...well anything.
So here it goes...
I've been dealing with DPDR for about two and half years now. I've had anxiety problems my whole life so I've been able to deal with the anxiety part of DPDR. However, the way I see things, the way I think about things, the way I feel about things...it's unimaginablely hard to deal with. I have tried everything to get rid of it and for a while I felt like it might be going away. Except it got worse instead. I'm at the point where I feel like it'll never go away...and if it does...I don't know. I don't even remember what it feels like to be "normal". I fear that if or when I recover from this it'll feel like being "normal" isn't real either.
I pray every day that I'll wake up and it'll be gone.
I have these episodes where my vision gets all weird. For example, colours and shades. It's like the darks get darker and the brights get brighter. I know that doesn't make any sense. It's very hard to explain.
My emotions aren't right. The way I feel about people or things. An example of this is my boyfriend told me he thinks our rabbit is dying. I love my rabbit. Yet all I said was "So?" It's like I don't care.
There's times where I feel like I'm trapped in my own body...like a jack in a box...it makes me want to rip off my own skin but I can't. I feel like I'm in quicksand and the more I fight, the more I sink.
I guess I'm not looking for anything...I just needed to vent...to feel like someone out there gets it...that someone cares...
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