Tell us about your dp experience
Posted 22 February 2017 - 10:47 AM
Posted 08 March 2017 - 01:17 AM
To begin with the DPD in recent years. I have PTSD, but I think it developed after the DPD. I would cry myself to sleep for days at a time, and then I would just feel nothing for weeks. Emptiness. Hollow inside. I look in the mirror and I touch my face, run my hands down my sides to feel that I am real. I remember realizing I had curves one day, I was standing in front of the mirror for 15 minutes just looking at myself trying to ground myself, and was like "Oh I have curves, where did those come from". I've worn hoodies for the past 6 years, until my mom hides them from me in the summer. It's the one thing that's real to me, I brush my hair to help ground myself. No one gets it. I feel like I'm living on a cloud, I've never been high but I've been asked if I am a stoner if that helps explain it.
Last year from January to September, I had nightmares. I had met an older guy whom I had convinced myself I loved. Our relationship was completely online. Please no judging. I was trying to feel something, anything. I found out after a month that he was married but by then I had been sexting him already and he had convinced me it wasn't an issue,he was getting a divorce. I started to feel for the first time in a very long time with him. I didn't know what to do, but it hurt so much that all of my repressed emotions for so many years were surfacing, without a filter. I was suicidal for the first time in 7 years, because I couldn't control the emotions flooding me. And then my guy was gone. We went from talking one day to him disappearing the next. It felt like my chest was being ripped open, heart torn in two. I was a mess for about a month, then feeling was gone again. My nightmares were too. I'd pinch myself, bite my arms to see if I felt the pain. I did but it was more sensing it, there wasn't really any pain. I'd cry without feeling. Eventually the tears stopped because I didn't see the use when I felt nothing again.
Moving on to the past few months since then. I'm in my senior year in high school. Going to college next year. I have been lost though. And then I had a friend who gave one of her coworkers my number, told him I could sext and etc. I'd told myself I would never do that again, I wouldn't get distracted. But he was different from others, and a week after I first texted him I lost my virginity. It wasn't because I love him, it just happened. I didn't see why I shouldn't, considering how life is but a dream anyways. Nothing feels real. I'd always thought that sex was some sort of super stimulant, you feel everything in hyper senses, you know? It happened on a picnic table in middle of February. He kept commenting on how he was surprised I wasn't cold, but it was because I don't feel cold temperatures. I barely felt him touching me unless I physically looked at him, the most momentous thing I remember was looking up at the sky and realizing I didn't remember the last time I'd seen so many stars. I felt like I was intruding on my own body, watching through a strangers eyes.
Since then I've lied to my parents more than I have in my entire life, I've met him several more times, and I know I should feel immensely guilty but mostly I just feel angry for no reason. Music is the only thing that calms me, brings me down to earth and keeps me from losing it. It's the only remedy I have used countless times over the years, like I am addicted to it. When I listen to music I can feel, it moves me, like I can't even explain it. I just feel constantly on the verge of going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore lol, so I guess if anyone has tips or has gone through anything similar to this, I'd appreciate any help. I'm so detached from everyone that my family doesn't even know I've suffered from ptsd for 9 years. They assume I'm fine, because I let my body do the thinking for me. It's like I barely control myself. Sorry for such a long post xD
Posted 11 March 2017 - 03:52 PM
growing up i was emotionally and narcissistically abused by my father while living with my mom who also physically and emotionally abused me. my parents got divorced when i was 2 with lots of hatred towards each other. i was bullied in school for racial reasons, begged girls who bullied me to be friends with me, hate my race and family because of the bullying, and was ashamed of my mom coming to school. as you can tell my childhood wasn't easy and all of that resulted in depression and anxiety in a very young age and now depersonalization
i first experienced depersonalisation when i was 5, i remember feeling that my soul left my body for a couple of seconds, this feeling came occasionally, ironically i used to enjoy it, but now i'd do anything to get rid of it. I don't know when did i first experience the chronic depersonalization but it was about 4 years ago, i knew something was wrong, i woulld enter school thinking "is this place real?" "am i dreaming?" and many more. just recently i decided to see a professional psychologist, 30th of November to be exact, he officially diagnosed me with depersonalisation, but when i asked him "will it ever go away ?" his answer was that he'll teach me how to get used to it cause thats the only solution
that made everything worse because basically he was saying that it won't go away, i truly believed that cause he was the best in my entire country (charging 300$ for 45 minutes) i gave him a second chance and we tried hypnosis didn't do much since i have a very awake mind.
now i, seeing a deferent therapist who is specialised in childhood problems and i feel more comfortable.
the thing that ive noticed is that when some people talk about there depersonalisation they talk as if it lasts for a couple of hours a day, but for me it is 24/7 and thats what my therapists don't get? is depersonalisation suppose to be for a couple of hours?
and i want to know is it possible for someone like me to get cured?
btw im 18 years old now
Posted 24 March 2017 - 08:09 PM
My symptoms are confusing and varied to the point where I don't know exactly what is wrong with me and don't know if I'm actually the same person or in existence anymore! Hopefully someone can relate.
So my main issue at the moment is speaking and body movements. I have no Idea how words are coming out of my mouth. I think of what I'm going to say and then it is somehow just said. It feels like shapes of my mouth aren't being made by me and I'm constantly analysing how I'm doing it. It feels like I haven't learnt how to make these shapes with my mouth so it certainly doesn't feel like I am making them. It's Iike it's too subconscious, and there's no thought process into how I'm doing it. I couldn't tell you how to speak and what shapes you are able to make but it somehow happens.
I have similar problems with general movements. I can't work out how I'm able to move my muscles and again little thought seems to go into actions yet somehow they are happening!
Apart from this I sometimes genuinely believe I'm not real, that the people around me are not real and that somehow this is all just not happening. And yet I am somewhat perplexed by the fact people don't seem to notice anything wrong with me which just gives me a feeling of further detachment between my brain and body. It feels like the person I was (or at least think I was) never actually existed and infact this is the right way to be, though I know it isn't.
I don't seem to look at my body or get feelings towards it in the right way. I can see it is all attached, yet I feel I'm not conscious enough of it and don't have the connection with it that I used to.
Finally, I don't seem to get words and how I'm forming a sentence. I find it weird how I'm able to put words together, and then once I have, I have to think of the meaning of that word and how it fits with the words before and after it.
Anyway if that rambling mess made any sense, I'd love to know if anyone has dealt with similar.
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