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Freedom and slowing down


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#1 Broken

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 08:34 AM

Hey guys, I just read a blog post elsewhere that hit home for me. I will be trying it as a technique daily and see if it helps with any of my symptoms.

 

Anyway, I believe that a PART of my DP is the fact that I cannot give it freedom. I guess I see it as a form of madness. Socially we are taught that madness and being 'mental' is not socially accepted, there are special places for those that fully 'lose their minds', most commonly called 'the nut house'. Every second, every day, for 13 long long years I have experienced DP/DR. And because of this ingrained belief I have not given my symptoms any freedom. I speed up and look for an answer, 'the cure' to save me from this madness. That hasn't stopped. Not once. Not for one moment. In 13 years.  

 

When I think about that it makes me really sad. Sad that because of what society teaches us that we believe we are no longer accepted. We have to fix this thing and fit back into the boundaries of 'normal'. Even when I have sat down to relax I can never fully relax because of the symptoms staring me in the face.

 

But what if those symptoms staring you in the face are a sign of what is WRONG with society? What if they are screaming at you what is wrong with our belief system? That it is part of our taught belief that we avoid 'crazy' people and lock them away? That we don't give them time, space, freedom or compassion?

 

I've really honestly and deeply been asking myself these questions the last 2 days. And the answer my mind currently gives me is upsetting, but is fading. And once I see the upset those beliefs and thoughts give me, I can come back to giving freedom to it all. Freedom to go crazy. Freedom for madness. Freedom for depersonalization. Freedom for derealization. Freedom for depression, anxiety, sadness, tears, anger. I've spent many years in a state of mind the direct opposite to this. I believe part of the answer for me at least is being able to give myself some freedom and stop running. Slow down and look at what you experience. Then ask yourself what core belief you hold that could be making things worse? 

 

I have made up a model in my head of the suffering I have. A wheel where on the outside of the wheel are thoughts, then more towards the centre is beliefs, then emotions right next to the core. Then at the core there is a cog that spins the whole thing. I imagine that I can feel that cog at the centre of my whole current experience and that I can slow it down. Underneath all the thoughts and emotions I can calm down this wheel that has been spinning faster and faster into a state of exhaustion causing my symptoms. But if I drop all the thoughts and beliefs and focus on calming down the centre it seems to bring some relief. Some unease as well as I'm not used to it and nobody likes change. But I can calm this thing down slightly. Hopefully with practice there will be a major shift, who knows? I know that carrying on the way I have been is unsustainable though.

 

This is the blog post I read: http://joeylott.com/freedom-from-what/



#2 Pondererer

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 09:06 AM

I think regardless of what society tells you etc, a part of DP recovery is that allowing the symptoms etc. I think that is a very difficult thing no matter how supportive or unsupportive People around you are

#3 Broken

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 12:16 PM

Agreed. But has that message been implied to you throughout your life? I know it has to me either through family and 'friends' or even in film, drama, soaps etc throughout my childhood the message on mental health was pretty damn negative. This implied message that people with mental health are ostracised has caused me to ostracise myself (aka dissociate) from these symptoms, thoughts, beliefs and emotions. Because they run the direct opposite to what I'm experiencing. When I first got dp I had the weed panic attack etc but also thought I was hearing voices. I wasn't sure as I was being badly bullied at the time. But I think it was partly why I developed dp.. it's really bad some of these beliefs still live inside me, but it's only from what is learnt and the image of society we build ourselves from childhood

#4 tfiio

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 02:21 PM

that concept that you're talking about, that you're not "allowed" to experience these things because of the negative societal implications, is a component of ableism. and ableism is the worst. but that's a term for it if you want to look into the idea more.



#5 Broken

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 03:44 PM

Yeh just googled ableism.. that's what I'm talking about. After reading wikipedia it mentioned mentalism which is specifically what I'm talking about. I'm glad to see in the uk there has been a shift in attitude towards mental health quite recently with Prince Harry coming out and talking about the death of his mother.. It's good to see a change, but there is no doubt to me the opinions I witnessed growing up has had a negative effect on my mental health. But in a way I can't make that the new enemy to fight. I just need to drop all the wrestling with myself. I don't want to get too far ahead of myself but it feels like I'm turning a corner with this one. I should note I've been taking mirtazapine for 10 days lol I don't doubt that's a big part of it but it's like the effects of that drug (dramatically reduces cortisol) is being lived in my mind and heart in a strange way.. I just need to slow down and tell myself there is nothing to escape. DP/DR are the signs of a HEALING mind, not a mind losing control. So I need to stop poking the wound.. as impossible as that is



#6 esroh

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 04:42 PM

I think what mignt help would be acomplete surrender.I often think about how it would be to just sit somewhere outside and let dp completely drown you as it wishes.

Just letting it dissolve you without resisting it a tiny amount.I think i would almost get into a deep meditative state by just completely allowing dp.

I bet it would be a great exposure therapy but at the same time so fucking scary.



#7 tfiio

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Posted 15 May 2017 - 11:54 PM

it's not another fight you have to pick up, but it's something to keep in mind, when that voice in the back of your head tries to get on your case for "being lazy" or "not trying hard enough" or whatever it might say to you. you can remind it (and yourself) that you're taking care of yourself, which is a good thing, and that it thinks it's not a good thing because of the nasty stuff that goes on around us, not because it's actually not good. if that makes sense. -n- but yes. there's nothing to run away from. you're not "slipping" if you take a second to breathe. it's okay to forgive yourself, even if you don't like what you're doing.



#8 Broken

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 04:03 AM

Yeh that makes a lot of sense especially the part about being lazy. U know externally I must appear that way so give myself a harsh inner narrative about it. But MY experience of it is that I'm completely exhausted ALL the time and never give myself a break from that. Would make sense as well, although I say it doesn't bother me, I'm overly concerned with what other people think and feel about me. MY opinions of myself should be my priority and should primarily be kind and positive.. otherwise, whats the point if your just guna walk around beating yourself up all day

#9 tfiio

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Posted 16 May 2017 - 03:21 PM

a technique I find useful for myself and I hear others use as well, is trying to give yourself the same patience and respect you would give a close friend. if your friend says they feel tired constantly and are genuinely trying to keep up but just kind of can't, you wouldn't think of them as lazy, right? that would be awfully disrespectful and rude, and definitely hurt your friend's feelings quite a bit. so why do it to yourself, y'know? when I find myself struggling with it, I often turn to my friends to give me the patience and understanding I'm having trouble giving myself. the way I go about it is I'll say what I feel, and then say what I think is actually correct, and then ask for their input (eg, "I feel like I'm just being lazy, but I'm really tired all the time and I don't think I'm supposed to always be forcing myself through it. I'm not just being lazy, right?"). this clearly communicates the problem to them, and gives them a really easy way to help me out (they can just say "no, you're not being lazy" without having to actively fight through so many layers of self-doubt).

 

it takes time to learn how to be kinder to yourself, since being so critical of oneself is usually pretty deeply ingrained. but it's worth doing, and you don't have to do it entirely by yourself.



#10 CK1

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 06:05 PM

This is cool man.

 

I got something from this, my version and your version might vary, for me it is less focused on how others see me and more how I see myself. I am stuck in an inward battle, I know I have more to give, better potential than things currently so am endlessly battling things that can be summed up by 'Let it be' and 'Let it go'. 

 

I do think you have struck something important. If I am always battling my mind, i'm not letting it do what it needs to or at least I am making it harder by fighting against it.

 

I understand your view on how other people see you, my close friends see it because I told them everything and it made them think well the usual... (totally regret letting them in to it, wasn't the helping hand I thought, instead they are more stand offish... even though 2 other of my friends who they know have DP but never told them which brings me to the next point...)

 

what i find stranger, is everyone I have not told has never noticed it, I remember telling someone I had been in a band with for a year and she was like, I never knew or suspected anything, that was my first year of DP and I was so spaced out... sometimes the inside isn't as obvious as it feels when it's screaming inside your head. A quick example is suicide, the most common line is "but he was fine, he was always happy, I seen x the other day".

 

Most people aren't that deep, if you can say Hello, how are you? that's about as deep as they think. Most us DP are deep bunch.



#11 tfiio

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 09:25 PM

not to be rude, but I'm gonna counter your point about being "deep"; often us "deep bunch" tend to assume that those around us are totally fine, because we don't know how to look for their own covered up signs of struggle, the way they don't know how to look for ours. which is actually also a component of ableism, funnily enough.



#12 Broken

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Posted 17 May 2017 - 10:22 PM

CK1 "if I'm always battling my mind I'm not letting it do what it needs to". Exactly that. I would argue our mind is in a way already doing what it needs to.. but because we are taught good and bad we avoid what we perceive as 'bad'. It's a matter of stopping the battle. Put down your weapons. Practice it a few minutes a day.. then more. It might help

Tfiio - I agree and disagree. Sometimes I over think and get too deep into the pain and suffering of this world I see in others. And at other times I'm so wound up in my own misery I have lacked empathy for a person staring me in the face.. but that's true for everyone in a way I guess. Either way I'm definitely a deep thinker, that much is true




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