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#1 Vincentv

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 09:00 PM

hi there,

 

i'm struggling with dp disorder for 26 years now. im 41 now to be precise. And I feel like im 25 at best because im lagging behind in overall development because the last 26 years i could barely get myself to read, study or write because of severe concentration issues. The social part is lacking as well, and that last is the one thing i struggle with most. I feel devastated last few years. Depleted really. 26 years... is... for me... welll... to cry about really. I don't need cheer ups or saving, but some like minded people who can comment, I think that would help me best.

I read and enjoyed other poeples stories last few years, but I never felt capable of posting anything because I myself can barely even communicate without getting confused. I even am jealous of the countless people on this site who seem to be able to place posts almost without efford. And so orderly. I cannot talk or speak without some form of confusion. So I don't understanbd how so many people complain about confusion and yet are able to communicate through this forum without effort it seems.

Even on this forum I feel alone, because you guys seems to type away as if it comes naturally. In that sense I feel that you guys are far better of then me, and that is very strange since we have the same disorder (i did get the diagnosis two years ago).

I mean.... who can live 26 years with emptiness and go on and on and on. Who? Me? well until a certain point yes. But I'm reaching my limits.

anyone having suicidal thoughts as well?

 

And please understand me well pls. I am not promoting anything, I'm just looking for people who can relate.



#2 Vincentv

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 09:11 PM

Btw. I can only type because of some pretty heavy diazepam dosis in combination with other medication. It makes me feel relaxed enough to type away. But it's only recent that I got this medication. And i know I can't go on forover on pams. I may not even be able to respond to, but i will try. p.s I am the type who thinks about body soul and mind. | permanently refuse to think we have a brain disorder. This goes far deeper then just a deficit in the brain.... total nonsense... even after 26 years I am aware thjatn this is a soul related matter. Cheers.



#3 tfiio

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Posted 24 February 2017 - 11:14 PM

hello.

 

it looks effortless, but I think each of us has to put some effort into posting these things. some more than others, of course, because everyone has different things that are difficult for them. I haven't even been alive as long as you've been wrestling with dpd, but you're welcome to send me a message. it takes me some time to reply, but I promise I will not get mad or upset with you if you have trouble getting your idea across. I promise that. and I take promises seriously.



#4 Vincentv

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Posted 25 February 2017 - 05:56 PM

It doens't matter much how long we're struggling with this... 3 years or 26 years. In the end is still feels thesame. I don't feel different now after 26 years compared to how I felt when i had it only 3 years. Even back then I felt like ending it all and I still feel this way exactly the way I felt back then. But in the end i feel drawn to suicide more and more becasuse the years are adding up. Hey, i should have a party... woiw... a quarter of a century dp-disorder.. celebrate this with my whole neighbourhood... just kidding.... not its sad.



#5 mind.divided

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Posted 25 February 2017 - 08:59 PM

Change everything

 

I bet you haven't changed so much during the past years and that's the reason you might be stuck. If you do the same things over and over again you will get the same results.

 

Do you have a healthy diet? Do you exercise regularly? Do you socialize with people (even if it's hard)? Do you meditate? Have you tried new medications? Talked to a therapist? the list goes on.... there is tons of things to try

 

 

You will eventually recover you just have to try new things. Don't ever give up! :)



#6 tfiio

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 12:04 AM

in one respect, it is sad. because you've been suffering so long without rest. but I don't think it's sad that you're still alive. I think the best word for that would be impressive. I can't believe it's impossible for you to reach the other side of your suffering, but the most I can do to get you there is listen.



#7 forestx5

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 10:45 AM

I was 17 when my life changed and I developed a major depressive disorder with panic attacks, ocular migraines, head tremor, dp/dr and other associated psych symptoms. I battled my symptoms in ignorance for 40 years before Through research, I came to understood the mechanism behind my illness.  I got diagnostics (MRI and EEG) which established significant pathology in the temporal lobe of my brain which indicated a possible history of epileptic activity.  I spent most of 2013 on the couch with depression, believing I had finally reached the end of my rope at age 58. I knew it wasn't going to get easier as I aged.  I expected my illness would eventually take my life.   I decided to visit my local VA complex and they TDO'd me.  I ended up having ECT and it changed my life. I have been basically symptom free since.  I take Lexapro and find it to be the best SSRI I have used in 25 years.  I really wasn't hopeful.  I had no expectations of a turn around after so many years.  I guess miracles can and do happen.



#8 Chicane

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Posted 26 February 2017 - 02:55 PM

Right there with you. I am interested in speaking to people who want to take their own life.



#9 Vincentv

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 08:12 PM

Lots of interesting feedback. good stufff. Guys, thankyou first of all for the responses. My first serious contribution to this forum and many like minded people. Many thanks!  @ tfiio: Your reaction touched me the most. It's because i did suffer tremendously over the decades. Oh my... it was almost hell... My life in years is easily more illness then health... even the last few days still wondering how to cope with the unsettling emptiness that makes me want ingest certain things... stuff... pills... alcohol... anything to make me feel back my true emotions. I kept it in 'check' for the last few weeks so to speak. But still wondering about suicide! It's stilll very much undecided. But thanks for the response anyway! I don't even know what the hell to think.

 

@Forestx5: Lexapro... if it changed your life... welll.  then I i need to dig into this... I hope it's not something that has hudge side effects.



#10 Vincentv

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Posted 27 February 2017 - 08:27 PM

....



#11 sebastian

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Posted 14 March 2017 - 03:16 PM

This...

 

Change everything

 

Don't ever give up! :)

 

If it helps Vincent, I've had this disorder for 30 years so I do have you beat in that sense.  ;-)   I can totally relate to what you said about feeling like they were wasted years, but reflect for a minute on the vastness of space and eternity, and realize that our short lives here are but a speed bump on the long cosmic highway.  Don't think of the past 26 years as a "life wasted".  Think of it as a springboard...a crash course in dealing with all manners of hell that most people would never understand.  That's worth something.  And commit to changing.  Don't accept status quo anymore.  It only takes a day to do something amazing.  To feel something incredible.  To maybe not make it "all worth while", but at least to chip away at the years you feel you've lost.  Mind.Divided is right:  Change everything.  Even if it makes no sense.  Even if it strains your comfort zone.  Pick a mountain to climb and figure out how you're going to climb it...either literally or figuratively.  The hardest part about DP for me these days (and I say that because it's changed over the years - I can sort of deal with the disorienting, philosophical questions it raises, etc.) is the emotional deadness - the not connecting with loved ones.  I can completely understand how you might look at a mountain and say to yourself, "well, what's the point in having that experience - I wouldn't even appreciate it".  And you might not.  But you'll experience something different, that's for sure.  And you'll feel like you did something that day (or week - depending on your mountain climbing skills).  But if you're at the point where you're seriously thinking about suicide you should, at least, Change something.  Even if the thing you're changing is completely random.

 

And if you're so bewitched by this thing, then start small - learn to walk again.  And be proud of the accomplishments you make from this day forward.  You're comparing the 26 years you "wasted" to the template of what a "normal person" should have accomplished in those 26 years.  Everyone's different.  Everyone's life experience is different.  Take a deep breath and start from the beginning.  And come here when you need help along the way.



#12 Pondererer

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Posted 14 March 2017 - 05:45 PM

hi there,

 

i'm struggling with dp disorder for 26 years now. im 41 now to be precise. And I feel like im 25 at best because im lagging behind in overall development because the last 26 years i could barely get myself to read, study or write because of severe concentration issues. The social part is lacking as well, and that last is the one thing i struggle with most. I feel devastated last few years. Depleted really. 26 years... is... for me... welll... to cry about really. I don't need cheer ups or saving, but some like minded people who can comment, I think that would help me best.

I read and enjoyed other poeples stories last few years, but I never felt capable of posting anything because I myself can barely even communicate without getting confused. I even am jealous of the countless people on this site who seem to be able to place posts almost without efford. And so orderly. I cannot talk or speak without some form of confusion. So I don't understanbd how so many people complain about confusion and yet are able to communicate through this forum without effort it seems.

Even on this forum I feel alone, because you guys seems to type away as if it comes naturally. In that sense I feel that you guys are far better of then me, and that is very strange since we have the same disorder (i did get the diagnosis two years ago).

I mean.... who can live 26 years with emptiness and go on and on and on. Who? Me? well until a certain point yes. But I'm reaching my limits.

anyone having suicidal thoughts as well?

 

And please understand me well pls. I am not promoting anything, I'm just looking for people who can relate.

I just recently turned 26, and i've had DP as for long as i can remember. So we're kinda the same in a way ^_^






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