Hey everyone! I'm relatively new on this site and I really don't want to go in full detail about my DP but I do want to talk about some of the negative and positive things.
So...here we go.
I first started getting severe DP on October 12th of last year. I'll never forget the day and where I was when it happened. It's been literal hell... confusion, profound thinking of existential things that literally don't really matter and major Dejavu. Everything was flat, fake, like a dream... yada yada, My best friend from college was visiting for a month and I was so stoked to see him. Just so happens I got this issue the day he came! Ugh... still bummed out about that. So I spent that WHOLE month ignoring it. Hiding in the bathroom for an hour researching what the hell is wrong with me. I drank a shit ton with my buddy and tried to live life normally. He left in early November and I cracked...has a major breakdown and questioned who am I?? What happened?? Why is this happening to me. My parents didn't understand, I was begging for help and my mother was just frustrated with my breakdowns. I felt helpless and just wanted to die. December I tried to live with it. My GP had no idea what I was talking about and put me on 5mg of Lexapro. Didn't do shit. Christmas was a nightmare. Had suicdal thoughts and gave up. I felt like a zombie. Every action had no feeling and I was done. I cried and I cried until I made the initiative to take this and do something about it. My parents did not want to help or understand so I called a mental hospital nearby my place and went for an evaluation. I'm in the intensive outpatient program. ANYWAYS. I found a doctor/psych/endocrine specialist in my area as well. He saved my life. The Psychs and Therapists at the hospital didn't know what DP/DR was and they said I was bi-polar, maybe schizo, all kinds of other things. I freaked out... well... I saw the outside Psych and he said the complete opposite. He said I am experiencing severe DP. This was around a month ago.
He put me on Lamictal 3 weeks ago. 20mg the first two weeks and last week he bumped me up to 50.
Here's what I have been feeling thus far.
Week 1: Had a lot of rumination still, had DP heavy days that brought me down. Felt sorry for myself and still felt very unreal and questioned myself constantly. Had a lot of music stuck in my head (ugh)
Week 2: Still had spurts of DP but I was having moments of slight relief! Not even joking... I just had spots of comfort, feeling, not thinking about the DP, the past or anything existential. I felt slightly better, which is better than nothing. But when it got low, it got loooowwww. Spent that weekend in severe depression and DP. Was alone, scared.
Week 3: Started that monday with a good night! Watched movies and stayed busy. Felt slightly less DP. Things felt slightly easier here and there. I started doing mindfulness which has kept me calm. Spent the weekend with family, didn't worry about the DP. Another weird slight improvement. Things seem to be improving very slooow.
Week 4: So far things are less intense. I'm still aware of my DP but things aren't as difficult. Took a little extra Lamictal yesterday because I'm supposed to move on to 100 next Wednesday. I felt super weird. Like everything was bright and intense but I almost felt like everything was real. I dunno it was a very odd experience.. but things are still improving. It's so odd... it's not like the whole world is different or anything.. it's just that things are becoming settled in. Instead of spending every hour contemplating what, who, where, am I? I'm just chilling with it. This stuff is working I'm telling you! I'll keep you updated. Okay so this Friday was a mixed bag. Felt suuuuuper out of it and my DP bothering me but I'm also having girl issues so I think i'm more depressed about that with the DP not making it feel any better. Still trying to focus on the positives. Spent the weekend feeling terrible, ate too much sugar and bad food so I was asking for a anxious nightmare. But, I survived and dealt with it. Once again, there are small improvements but it's hard.
Week 5: Moved up to 100mg. My mood is definitely slightly better. DP is super off and on... it's either tranquil enough for me to enjoy moments during the day or it's like "OH MY GOD I'M FEELING IT TOO MUCH!". I hate those moments because It's as if it will never go away and then you calm down. Ha! Can't help it sometimes... I swear. I'll see how the 100mg does with me and my mood. Still no side effects so that's a major positive! So it's Friday.. man this week has been nuts. Started taking Lexapro in the middle of the day instead of night... definitely can tell a difference. My DP is weird today... I'm just going with the flow.. it's as if i'm not even caring it's there. Overall good day, things are slowly improving.
Basically I believe Lamictal mixed with Lexapro is doing SOMETHING. Everyday there's some sort of freedom. It's not constant but I see the differences. I'm hopeful.