Hey everyone! I'm relatively new on this site and I really don't want to go in full detail about my DP but I do want to talk about some of the negative and positive things.
So...here we go.
I first started getting severe DP on October 12th of last year. I'll never forget the day and where I was when it happened. It's been literal hell... confusion, profound thinking of existential things that literally don't really matter and major Dejavu. Everything was flat, fake, like a dream... yada yada, My best friend from college was visiting for a month and I was so stoked to see him. Just so happens I got this issue the day he came! Ugh... still bummed out about that. So I spent that WHOLE month ignoring it. Hiding in the bathroom for an hour researching what the hell is wrong with me. I drank a shit ton with my buddy and tried to live life normally. He left in early November and I cracked...has a major breakdown and questioned who am I?? What happened?? Why is this happening to me. My parents didn't understand, I was begging for help and my mother was just frustrated with my breakdowns. I felt helpless and just wanted to die. December I tried to live with it. My GP had no idea what I was talking about and put me on 5mg of Lexapro. Didn't do shit. Christmas was a nightmare. Had suicdal thoughts and gave up. I felt like a zombie. Every action had no feeling and I was done. I cried and I cried until I made the initiative to take this and do something about it. My parents did not want to help or understand so I called a mental hospital nearby my place and went for an evaluation. I'm in the intensive outpatient program. ANYWAYS. I found a doctor/psych/endocrine specialist in my area as well. He saved my life. The Psychs and Therapists at the hospital didn't know what DP/DR was and they said I was bi-polar, maybe schizo, all kinds of other things. I freaked out... well... I saw the outside Psych and he said the complete opposite. He said I am experiencing severe DP. This was around a month ago.
He put me on Lamictal 3 weeks ago. 20mg the first two weeks and last week he bumped me up to 50.
Here's what I have been feeling thus far.
Week 1: Had a lot of rumination still, had DP heavy days that brought me down. Felt sorry for myself and still felt very unreal and questioned myself constantly. Had a lot of music stuck in my head (ugh)
Week 2: Still had spurts of DP but I was having moments of slight relief! Not even joking... I just had spots of comfort, feeling, not thinking about the DP, the past or anything existential. I felt slightly better, which is better than nothing. But when it got low, it got loooowwww. Spent that weekend in severe depression and DP. Was alone, scared.
Week 3: Started that monday with a good night! Watched movies and stayed busy. Felt slightly less DP. Things felt slightly easier here and there. I started doing mindfulness which has kept me calm. Spent the weekend with family, didn't worry about the DP. Another weird slight improvement. Things seem to be improving very slooow.
Week 4: So far things are less intense. I'm still aware of my DP but things aren't as difficult. Took a little extra Lamictal yesterday because I'm supposed to move on to 100 next Wednesday. I felt super weird. Like everything was bright and intense but I almost felt like everything was real. I dunno it was a very odd experience.. but things are still improving. It's so odd... it's not like the whole world is different or anything.. it's just that things are becoming settled in. Instead of spending every hour contemplating what, who, where, am I? I'm just chilling with it. This stuff is working I'm telling you! I'll keep you updated. Okay so this Friday was a mixed bag. Felt suuuuuper out of it and my DP bothering me but I'm also having girl issues so I think i'm more depressed about that with the DP not making it feel any better. Still trying to focus on the positives. Spent the weekend feeling terrible, ate too much sugar and bad food so I was asking for a anxious nightmare. But, I survived and dealt with it. Once again, there are small improvements but it's hard.
Week 5: Moved up to 100mg. My mood is definitely slightly better. DP is super off and on... it's either tranquil enough for me to enjoy moments during the day or it's like "OH MY GOD I'M FEELING IT TOO MUCH!". I hate those moments because It's as if it will never go away and then you calm down. Ha! Can't help it sometimes... I swear. I'll see how the 100mg does with me and my mood. Still no side effects so that's a major positive! So it's Friday.. man this week has been nuts. Started taking Lexapro in the middle of the day instead of night... definitely can tell a difference. My DP is weird today... I'm just going with the flow.. it's as if i'm not even caring it's there. Overall good day, things are slowly improving.
Week6: HOLY CRAP. This stuff works. I've spent the whole week happy and less dissociated. Been going out more. Its not 100% gone but it's at a good 70%. I'm so grateful and happy that things are getting better... I started taking taurine 1500 MG a day now. Mixing this with Lamictal and Lexapro has done wonders. Taking trazedone at night and it helps me sleep and makes me happy when I wake up. I HOPE HOPE HOPE this gives you ..well.. HOPE! There is an escape. The medicine is only part of the process. Patience and acceptance is also key. Love you all.
UPDATE: Weeks 7, 8, 9 and 10 will be all in a bunch. Things have insanely been incredibly up and down. My DP/DR isn't gone but it has almost just gone in the back of my mind. I still have long periods of the day when I feel so dissociated and confused but I've trained myself to know that it will pass. Does it stress me out that I have to deal with that along with life's daily struggles? YES. It's painful as hell at times. Do I want all of this go away tomorrow? You betcha but what I can say about my progress is there are days when I'm like "HAH THIS STUPID FEELING. WHATEVER DUDE. I'M GONNA ENJOY MY GODDAMN DAY" and I get so distracted that I don't even feel it. This is incredible and has been happening a lot more frequently during the days, and I've had solid weeks that I feel fantastic. I think back and smile, which is something that I haven't been able to do in a long time. When I have days when there's nothing to do I feel fine. Not scared and hopeless but engaged and excited about the future. I've gone to two job interviews, confidently and not even thinking about the DP. Man...it's a great feeling and I have to remind myself of the progress when things get less than stellar. There's been such a major improvement in my life and in my journey to healing. I met a great girl, she's 30 and I'm 25 ha! But she makes me happy and understands what i'm going through. But you know its a struggle when I really want to feel 100% normal and not question every time we hold hands or kiss. That is definately frustrating. But at the same time when I think back on it i smile. Once again. Smiling. Ah... such a great feeling. I also started drinking alcohol a little bit. Hasn't done any harm to my DP/DR in fact I think that freedom to drink without being afraid has lifted my spirits up a little just because I feel normal and can socialize like I used to. Just not be abusive with it and responsible. Started taking Taurine, 4,000-6,000 a day. I feel as if that is doing something immense along with the Lamictal. I'm taking 200 of that. Lamictal is great. I know it's doing something. Obviously not the main source of curing me. That's within you but oh man... it's an incredible drug and this psych knows whats up.
Yes, I still stress out about feeling this way. Is it as violent and scary as before? Hell to the no. But I just miss the old Mike and he's coming back baby! I see him in that mirror. He's me. He and I are one. And that road is coming to an end soon, I know it is. This dirty bastard that is DP/DR has changed my life... ironically for the better. I havent been this healthy since high school and I'm at a good weight. I've gotten closer with my spiritual side. Looking at energy as a way to coping and understanding DP isn't me. DP is slowly going away. I move, I walk, I go to the movies, I go on dates, and most importantly.... I feel human again. No overthinking! No weird thoughts. (SERIOUSLY THIS IS AMAZING) No songs repeating in my head. No strange voices waking me up in the middle of the night. My anxiety has lessened immensely and when I wake up. Holy balls guys and gals... no anixety or fear. I wake up, look around and go. Huh... cool! Text my girl and i'm on my way to start the day. Jesus.... as I type this i'm coming to terms with the progress. GUYS THIS STUFF WORKS. Obviously not cured. But life is bright and beautiful and trust me. We will get through this. Because I am...Hopeful....for all of us.
A little thing to add. I graduated from my program at the mental hospital 3 weeks ago! I got to the point that I had nothing to talk about anymore there. I've been so confident with my issues that well.... heh. I'm good. Guys... I really want you to feel good from reading all this. I want to give you my energy and be positive and happy. Godbless my friends.
Basically I believe Lamictal mixed with Lexapro is doing SOMETHING. Everyday there's some sort of freedom. It's not constant but I see the differences. I'm hopeful.