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What is happening to me?

help future goal possible trauma

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#25 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 05:20 AM

I went out for dinner last night with a friend and hard a hard time concentrating. I think that I did a convincing job but if anything that's what makes it worse doesn't it. The thought that he is normal and I am not. I have really felt my intelligence going down and that's a horrible scary thing. Jealousy plays a part in that as well - I see people on my faebook account peopleple I went to school with winning awards, publishing journals, becoming doctors, lawyers etc.

 

Part of what I was trying to say earlier is that my life has gone completely fucking backwards and downhill from 21 to 24 (now). There was an initial upwards period of about 6/7 months and then I became stagnant. 

 

I took a 1mg lorazepam last night. I did not help me to sleep deeper but increase the amount of time I spent in bed. It just makes you not even think about getting up before 8AM in my experience. 

 

I had nightmares where such people were mocking me, laughing at me, and taking the piss. 

 

It also felt like I had an intensely negative pall of psychological PAIN inside me. I have heard people talking of processing emotional pain. What do people mean by this? What do I need to do about this? I know that int he past I have pushed psychological pain away by going on youtube, distraction and pushing away with thoughts.

 

So I tried not to do that and face the pain. But is that enough? Are there exercises that I should be doing by myself? Or is that dagenrous to do by myself? 

 

Idealyl I would have a professional to talk to about this!! I can feel the emotions right now come up as I write this. 

 

thanks. 



#26 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 12:03 PM

I just went for a walk with my mum and my DR was really bad - depth perception fucked up, houses looking different sizes, everything looking bright and having an extremely strong gleam to it.

 

Anyway, I literally have just got in the house and opened up my laptop. I feel those really horrible nasty emotions and could almost feel it like a pit building up on the right hand side of my body, near to my best region. I use the term "dirty' because it just feels like raw, negative feelings that I instinctively want to hide.

 

Could it be that my mind - the space between my ears where "I" am - has become such a difficult, stressful and painful place that I have separated away from it completely. It's extremely weird - I do sort of feel like I am leaning outside of my body rather than being inside my body.

 

Has anybody else had out of body experiences? I was thinking about my addiction and the pain of that which could have triggered it. On top of it, I believe that some of my pain is me comparing myself to others and feeling like what a sad, pathetic and unsuccessful life I am living compared to my high-flying friends and people that I went to school with.

 

Ergh, what a joke. Sitting in my room walking. That is SAD. 

 

I also feel desperate to get back into some kind of exercise. I really hate being so skinny in my coat - it feels like I am drowning in it. I have to arrange another acupuncture session for this week and then hopefully next week I can get back to something. Again I have that feeling of desperately wanting company around me and a professional in front of me to help me. Come on, just hurry up.

 

The other thing is that I am only 24. I am very scared and shocked that I am in this position. I just should NOT have ever been with transgenders escorts. WTF is that about? (now again, I can feel the emotions come up. horrible stinky ones). The brain fog is severely impairing me - i cannot even think properly!

 

I am furious that this has all happened to me. Fury and angry. 



#27 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 20 February 2017 - 05:07 PM

I am fully freaking out now - i just left my body and dissociated. Im thinking about going to hospital tomorrow because this is getting extremely serious. 

 

Does anybody have tips on HOW to handle these experiences?



#28 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 06:34 AM

I just felt myself go back into Dp/Dr in real time. What a strange feeling. It felt like a cloudy foggy feeling over-coming me, as if something was wrapping me in cotton wool inside my wood...all bunged up.

 

See, as I type this now, my visual snow just got worse, and it feels like there is a thick gloopy wall of syrup in the "ether". 

 

Son of a bitch.

 

Imagine a smoke cloud being blown in one corner of a room, and it slowly diffuses over to you. That's what it felt like. 



#29 morph

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 07:10 AM

I am fully freaking out now - i just left my body and dissociated. Im thinking about going to hospital tomorrow because this is getting extremely serious.

Does anybody have tips on HOW to handle these experiences?

there are a few of us in this community who have out of body experiences, a grounding technique should be helpful:


https://lifeafterwar...echniques-1.pdf


there are a lot of grounding techniques and its probably best to try out different ones to see which one will work best for you. It sounds as if you have some warning before they occur, that gives you time to intervene and stop the process.

#30 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 08:08 AM

ok thanks.

 

i am going through the phase of "is this just dp/dr". i know that i have an iron and a slight vitamin d deficiency but i don't think that can cause such problems.

 

wow, how have i declined from the powerhouse that i used to be, to where i am now.

 

i am thinking about getting the "overcoming depersonalisation and feelings of unreality" book whilst i wait to be seen. i just feel like i have reservations about it, because as i said earlier, self-help has messed me up and reinforced my perfectionism and feeling of broken-ness. i suppose its different now - my motivation is not self-improvement, but one of survival: to get my intelligence and Self back. quite different territories. 

 

also, i feel like my visual field out my eyes is changing shape. i read somewhere that people with dp/dr report different shapes and sizes etc, so maybe its just a variation of that.



#31 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 21 February 2017 - 09:04 AM

I feel incredibly depressed. I have no motivation to do anything other than just lie down here and draw on my wall.

 

if anybody ever wants to speak on Skype i would be so happy to talk to you.

 

It just feels like I need to do everything I can to help myself and get myself out of this rut. Almost forcing myself to get up and destroy this blank mind, force myself into activity, getting out of the house etc. 

 

I don't want to loose my old self and my intelligence - I'm sure some people would call me prideful but fuck them.



#32 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted Today, 11:48 AM

I don't understand what is happening to me, nor why I have developed this DP/DR. Nothing about myself or my life is recognisable to me nor what I ever thought would happen. I am actually jealous of people who have died in the news, by natural causes or whatever. 

 

I emabarked on a roughly 2 year self-improvment program and that was my life purpose at the time. It began to cause its own problems and fizzle out towards the end in 2015, but at no point did I ever think that the incident in my addiction would happen and that I would end up with a transgender prostitute, and that various other things like getting injured and loosing all of my muscle mass would happen. That day after the escort, was completely f*****. 

 

I feel so weird. Really bad DR and disorientation when I am in the town centre, self-blame and regret. I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole or what the point of anything is.

 

I feel like a researcher who spent his entire life devoted to one thing only to find out that it failed and the guy next door to him discovered it in one day.

 

I remember the joy of going to the gym, going to university, eating my rice and chicken, and nailing some solid work in the library, thinking that NoFap was going to work for me and generally feeling ok. I should have stopped the gym at a certain point, but anyway, the point applies.

 

It's very very painful. Also, my eyes hurt. I have no drive or motivation or belief in myself - probably for the reasons explained. 



#33 Phocus

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Posted Today, 12:04 PM

let the dp come and let it pass, dont over obsess it, just live with it.. talking to people seems like a cure to me, its like a little way of freedom, talk to ur loved ones, theyll really help u out, dont be scared, just accept it and do what u got to do, trust me im in peace cus of this, and my dp was worse then what u say, everything will be okay, just accept the feelings, let them come and go, and TALK TO PEOPLE

Wait, so have you gotten over your DP or has it got milder from talking to people, if so congratulations either way.



#34 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted Today, 12:11 PM

well, talking of people, i desperately need people to talk to. i have got a counselling session on tuesday although it isn't long enough. i have another therapist to speak to on friday but that will only be for 2 sessions. still, it could help. picking up the phone today might be a good idea as well - i FEEL rotten. and weird. 



#35 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted Today, 01:06 PM

Okay, I feel like writing out some more. This reminds me of when I used to go on self-help forums and how much time, effort, money and thought that I dedicated to my development for it to crash out like this. This is beyond a kick in the teeth. If only I had got hold of something for my addiction before it spiralled out of control, I would never have had to go through this. I simply can't believe that this has happened to ME!

 

I have opened Skype now and even that is bringing back loads of memories. 

 

I hope that soon I "feel" back to my old self and my own intelligence and intellect coming back. Fuck. Just thinking about how I actually felt really good during the first year or so of my Master's course, - I felt really academically clever and as good about my self as I ever had. 

 

The last year has been horrible, it makes my skin crawl. Thinking about going to university, in the same places, corridors and walls, as when I was feeling great is really weird and nasty. What I see now, is that NoFap, and hitting the gym were giving me all of my self-esteem. I think that not having the gym in this time because I couldn't go took a nasty blow to me. 

 

None of this shit ever had to happen. 

 

Anyway, I am feeling very concerned about feeling brain-dead. 

 

I may be starting amisulpride on wednesday but I am not sure. I hope that if I do, then it agrees with me. I could also benefit greatly from an "emotional colonic", if such a thing exists. Any exercises and techniques that people have would be appreciated. 







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