Jesus, I just had to take a benzo. This is terrifying. Argh. I actually want to cry but I can't.
Is this a place on the forum where we can put how we feel? And journal about things? If it's not I would appreciate it if somebody could let me know.
So, I am lying in bed now and I thought that I would write whatever comes to mind. My mind's eye used to be really over-active and easy for me to imagine things before, but now it isn't. I am getting a slight picture of the library in my university where I would do quite a lot of work. I started my Masters course in 2014, and decided to extent it to 2015. I finished my undergraduate course in 2013, and I came home after living in another part of the country. When I was home, I really got into the self-help "community" if you like and was very excited to improve my life. You could say, on one level, that I was a social loser. Anyway, I just didn't do this very well and I know it is easy to blame others, but if only I had got some fucking support from my parents and some fucking validation for what I was doing, maybe things would have worked out better. They have simply never been relaxed or very supportive of what I am doing.
I have mentioned it elsewhere, that I realised that I had an addiction to masturbation and porn, and was trying the "NoFap" challenge in order to get the brain "reboot".
Each relapse pissed me off and even made me feel depressed enough to get mildly drunk in the local pub, and it was something that I was putting a lot of effort into.
I remember then, the relapse I had just making it short of the famous 90 days and how upset I felt. All hell broke loose the next week then, with the visit to the transgendered escort.
If I reflect back on things now, I suspect that I had used porn so much in my formative years that my dopamine system was now well and truly obliterated. I thought that if you had time in between the relapses, the urges would get weaker. The fear, panic, anxiety and arousal to visit this escort was just overwhelming.
The sadness, pain, destruction, despair, and genocide that this has caused to my life cannot be overstated. I remember going back into that library to work again, and I just felt like utter utter trash. My NoFap challenge had come to a brutal, unexpected and devastating end. Why did this have to happen to me?
I wish that I had joined a specialist support group at some point in the year before and taken some medication - although to be fair to myself, I did ask for naltrexone and my psychiatrist laughed at me and denied it. I even could have ordered some ibogaine off the internet and done a low-dose regimen in my room.
To have gone through all of this and be savaged with the intensity of the cravings for this kind of sex and more has ripped my ind apart - I mean, I am now on this website aren't I. Even last year, why didn't I buy naltrexone or ibogaine or something after my exams and try something. It was pure TORTURE. You may think that I am just blabbering on, but I am trying to evoke some of the feelings that I went through and the fact that I ACTUALLY went through this. I'm catching onto my idea that this was some kind of overwhelming trauma and I have just completely shut out now. I have a mantra going around in circles in my head going: "I can't fucking believe this happened, I can't fucking believe this happened etc".
Do you know how unbelievably tempted I am to take ibogaine to CRUSH those addiction pathways, so I never have to experience cravings ever again? So that I can wage WAR on it. But I am scared that chemically it will make the DP/DR much worse. There is a Longevity account of a lady who took ibogaine and it gave her a terrible blank mind. I actually took a little bit the day after I got DP'd and maybe it did cause my blank mind? Who knows?
I hope though that I can convey the terribleness of what I went through. I wish that this new addiction compound. derived form ibogaine, called 18-MC was now available. I bet the evil pharmaceutical companies will block it. But even if its approved, it won't be years until it is available.
I am struggling severely to pin down the emotions that I feel right now, but it is one of pure suffering and being pushed to an extreme end-point.