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What is happening to me?

help future goal possible trauma

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#1 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 08:44 AM

Dear All,

 

I don't have any future goals, aims, achievements, directed-thinking or anything. My internal monologue has completely disappeared. What an awful year and half I have had. Still, I feel under special-forces level of stress and anxiety.

 

I have to say that, it is beyond any doubt now, that I immediately and clearly need specialist professional help. I cannot deal with this by myself. I will speak to my psychiatrist either on monday or tueday and chase that referral up. I want to be seen and helped guys, this is torturous. 



#2 mind.divided

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 10:00 AM

Good idea. 



#3 M1k3y

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 03:33 PM

let the dp come and let it pass, dont over obsess it, just live with it.. talking to people seems like a cure to me, its like a little way of freedom, talk to ur loved ones, theyll really help u out, dont be scared, just accept it and do what u got to do, trust me im in peace cus of this, and my dp was worse then what u say, everything will be okay, just accept the feelings, let them come and go, and TALK TO PEOPLE



#4 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 12 February 2017 - 05:48 PM

yeah thanks mind divided



#5 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 07:11 AM

mind divided, i thought that you were being sarcastic.....but i don't think you were being sarcastic.



#6 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 07:39 AM

I was just viewing the other sub-thread and somewhere in there, somebody wrote that they feel that their brain is a lifeless stone compared to the dynamic brain that it once was. 

 

I think that is a lovely way of putting it. I used to think about my favourite topics like psychology, neuroscience, chemistry, etc nd now I can't think at all. My spontaneous thoughts and inner homologue have gone.

 

Perhaps it was because of the trauma that I have gone through being TOO much for me and as a result the brain is in complete shut-down survival mode. Removing an inner life could be a safety defence mechanism because if you reduce the total output of thoughts, then you reduce the thinking about the trauma. 

 

I am in a lot of pain and agony right now, mentally.

 

Also, I think my faith and trust in my self has gone. This is a bit more abstract and harder to explain but I caused a lot of problems to myself directly int he last few years, like getting fat, bad health, injuries, having to have operations, missing out on opportunities to have my sex addiction treated by not even thinking about speaking up, getting fired from jobs etc.

 

I can't WAIT for proper treatment now! Cmon!



#7 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 01:05 PM

I'm struggling to be alone right now - I feel scared and anxious. I can't BE withmyelf right now...maybe hence the dislocation? I'm trying to play amateur psychologist here but maybe I am wrong. I've said it elsewhere that because of my addiction, I can't believe that I got involved in certain sexual things that I really never thought would happen. I wish I had taken ibogaine a few years ago and cleaned out those pathways out. I;ve still got that problem to solve and it's making me feel sad, depressed and anxious. 



#8 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 05:56 PM

Jesus, I just had to take a benzo. This is terrifying. Argh. I actually want to cry but I can't. 

 

Is this a place on the forum where we can put how we feel? And journal about things? If it's not I would appreciate it if somebody could let me know.

 

So, I am lying in bed now and I thought that I would write whatever comes to mind. My mind's eye used to be really over-active and easy for me to imagine things before, but now it isn't. I am getting a slight picture of the library in my university where I would do quite a lot of work. I started my Masters course in 2014, and decided to extent it to 2015. I finished my undergraduate course in 2013, and I came home after living in another part of the country. When I was home, I really got into the self-help "community" if you like and was very excited to improve my life. You could say, on one level, that I was a social loser. Anyway, I just didn't do this very well and I know it is easy to blame others, but if only I had got some fucking support from my parents and some fucking validation for what I was doing, maybe things would have worked out better. They have simply never been relaxed or very supportive of what I am doing.

 

I have mentioned it elsewhere, that I realised that I had an addiction to masturbation and porn, and was trying the "NoFap" challenge in order to get the brain "reboot".

 

Each relapse pissed me off and even made me feel depressed enough to get mildly drunk in the local pub, and it was something that I was putting a lot of effort into.

 

I remember then, the relapse I had just making it short of the famous 90 days and how upset I felt. All hell broke loose the next week then, with the visit to the transgendered escort. 

 

If I reflect back on things now, I suspect that I had used porn so much in my formative years that my dopamine system was now well and truly obliterated. I thought that if you had time in between the relapses, the urges would get weaker. The fear, panic, anxiety and arousal to visit this escort was just overwhelming.

 

The sadness, pain, destruction, despair, and genocide that this has caused to my life cannot be overstated. I remember going back into that library to work again, and I just felt like utter utter trash. My NoFap challenge had come to a brutal, unexpected and devastating end. Why did this have to happen to me?

 

I wish that I had joined a specialist support group at some point in the year before and taken some medication - although to be fair to myself, I did ask for naltrexone and my psychiatrist laughed at me and denied it. I even could have ordered some ibogaine off the internet and done a low-dose regimen in my room. 

 

To have gone through all of this and be savaged with the intensity of the cravings for this kind of sex and more has ripped my ind apart - I mean, I am now on this website aren't I. Even last year, why didn't I buy naltrexone or ibogaine or something after my exams and try something. It was pure TORTURE. You may think that I am just blabbering on, but I am trying to evoke some of the feelings that I went through and the fact that I ACTUALLY went through this. I'm catching onto my idea that this was some kind of overwhelming trauma and I have just completely shut out now. I have a mantra going around in circles in my head going: "I can't fucking believe this happened, I can't fucking believe this happened etc".

 

Do you know how unbelievably tempted I am to take ibogaine to CRUSH those addiction pathways, so I never have to experience cravings ever again? So that I can wage WAR on it. But I am scared that chemically it will make the DP/DR much worse. There is a Longevity account of a lady who took ibogaine and it gave her a terrible blank mind. I actually took a little bit the day after I got DP'd and maybe it did cause my blank mind? Who knows?

 

I hope though that I can convey the terribleness of what I went through. I wish that this new addiction compound. derived form ibogaine, called 18-MC was now available. I bet the evil pharmaceutical companies will block it. But even if its approved, it won't be years until it is available. 

 

I am struggling severely to pin down the emotions that I feel right now, but it is one of pure suffering and being pushed to an extreme end-point. 



#9 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 13 February 2017 - 06:20 PM

I am also extremely depressed. Now surprising. Has this actually happened? Or is this all a very bad dream? :|

 

I'm not gay as well. It is my brain that has screwed me over. 



#10 derrrr

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 09:41 AM

Hey man, how are you holding up today? Seems you had it pretty rough yesterday.



#11 Hedgehog fuzz

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 12:45 PM

No, deer, I still feel very bad. I am chronically spaced out and drunk nearly every second.

 

On top of that, my mental health team STILL have not referred me, just sitting on their ass with the forms and whatever we discussed. Fuck them. 



#12 mind.divided

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Posted 14 February 2017 - 01:39 PM

mind divided, i thought that you were being sarcastic.....but i don't think you were being sarcastic.

 

No, it's actually an good idea to talk to a therapist / professional. I've done that for a few months now and it's helpful because you have someone to talk to about difficult matters and receiving advice on things. 







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