I think one of mine would be that depersonalization has caused me to act in seemingly bizarre ways but they are not a product of my personality. They are a product of circumstance. Of trying something new. I'm not crazy. I'm not incapable of loving. It's not that I don't know who I am. It's the fact that I'm detached from my ability to feel sometimes, making it hard to do these things. I abhor having a disorder that requires metaphors to explain. I'm not ashamed to talk about having depersonalization. I just detest being misunderstood and most the time, it hurts more to be misunderstood after opening my mouth than before.
Sometimes I look bipolar because when I actually get a chance to feel real, I really REALLY embrace it because I know how fleeting it can be. It's not that I'm incapable of emotionally regulating. It's that I don't know the next chance I will get to feel anything so I go all in. It's a choice.
Out of body experiences are not the thrill you are thinking they would be when you are trying to have sex, in a job interview, studying for an exam, trying to hold a conversation, or pretty much most of life's essential components.
Trust my non-biased input. On days when I feel like I don't have an ego, it would be nice to be granted the satisfaction of knowing I have this ability at the very least.
I don't have low self-esteem. Some days I will wake up and feel like I don't have a body and I don't remember any of the thoughts I have about anything and so everyday is kind of like starting over and remembering. Similar to Drew Barrymore in Fifty First Dates. I know who I am but sometimes the connection in my brain gets severed and I need a few hours to reconnect.
I'm not afraid to love you. I'm afraid of my inability to feel love for you. So if sometimes I'm distant, it's only because I am disconnected from my emotions and it's disorienting, confusing, and devastating to be around people I love when I can't remember what it feels like.
I am in a constant state of fight or flight but that doesn't mean I'm anxious. That also doesn't mean I have a problem with anxiety. I have a problem with how my body and mind convert anxiety into a defense mechanism. Everybody feels anxiety sometimes. The difference between us is that when I get anxious, every system in my brain shuts down, rendering me unable to even feel anxiety. And sometimes, in my calmest and happiest states I feel depersonalized.
The thing I'm most proud of accomplishing is feeling. I have gone through an unimaginable magnitude of creative ways to feel real.
Don't try to school me on my own disorder or belittle me with talk about my mental health. I have devoted my whole life to my mental health and if you haven't been around to watch the trial and error, you simply don't know. First, I have had this since before I was old enough to conceptualize it in words. Second, because there is a lack of education out there on this disorder, I have made the choice to take my health into my own terms and find solutions. You may not agree with the way I go about doing things but you might if you saw the whole picture.
The irony of this disorder is that a lot of the people I know with depersonalization disorder are the most self-aware people I have ever met. Rationally, we know the world is real. Rationally, we know we are real. We just can't feel it and it's devastating.
Feeling unreal is the most alienating experience I've ever had. It's like the whole world is invited to a party and you are the only one that didn't get an invitation. Even frogs, bugs, shadows, used staples, and the most socially awkward person you've ever met get to go. It's a bitchslap from the universe.