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Why do I dissociate??


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#1 amandah

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Posted 25 July 2012 - 08:17 PM

Hello,
I have been dealing with dissociation for the past few months. Well, actually it started suddenly when I was 18 (about 9 years ago). I was on the beach, making dinner and then getting a shower and it was like something hit me and I was dizzy and out of it and it didn't go away for a LONG time. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic symptoms, even though I kept saying the dissociation was making me depressed! I ended up not going to college (at least not at that time) because I was totally freaking out and couldn't concentrate at all. I was also diagnosed and treated for Lymes disease, but antibiotics did not give me any immediate relief. I also was put on every type of antidepressant and nothing really made me feel wonderful. I became so self-conscious and insecure about myself.
Anyway, it gradually became a lot better...I finished college, got married and had my first child. I never felt better in those 2 years I was pregnant and then had my daughter. I felt so emotionally connected to my hubby and my little girl.
Well, when my daughter was about 18 months I became pregnant again with my second child. I was depressed and sick for much of my pregnancy. I had my son and still was no full on dissociating, but I felt a little off. I moved, got a new job and was adjusting to being a mom of 2 with an infant that NEVER slept for 8 months, so needless to say my life has had stressors in the past year. Is that enough to full on dissociate again? I had an "episode" this past October where I felt out of it and like everything was surreal. It never completely lifted, but I never let it fully control me either. Then in May I had a sever episode, where everything felt so unreal that I was actually having trouble discerning reality from these thoughts. At times now I still have trouble discerning reality from my weird thoughts. I feel foggy, tired, unable to concentrate, anxious and confused about these thoughts and what life is or isn't. I have been in therapy in the past and am currently in therapy again. I really had a wonderful childhood...I really would not have had emotional abuse from my parents and no sexual abuse from anyone that I can possibly remember. My mother was the worrier so I was never left with anyone EVER! I was always hard on myself as a child, wanted straight A's, wanted to be athletic, wanted to be pretty, etc... None of this was pushed on me by parents. In fact, my parents were the ones to tell me to relax. So, lately it comes and goes as I have been still functioning taking care of my kids. But I really am confused about my self, who I am, what life is, where I am within the universe...those sorts of existential questions. I should note I was raised in a Christian home and have struggled with doubt about my faith these past 9 years. My doubt scares me and makes me sad, but I feel out of control of it. The worst thing right now is I feel an emotional disconnect from my kids and my husbands, the ones I love the most. I have trouble connecting physically to my husband and my daughter (now 3.5) often irritates me. I want to feel that deep love like before.

So I guess ultimately my question is do people really have this intense dissociation just due to daily stressors without any childhood trauma????

#2 Abigail-

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Posted 26 July 2012 - 01:03 AM

Hello :) The answer to your question is of course! This is my second experience with depersonalization although completely different circumstaces on why I developed it again the first time was due to a panic attack. I also would say I had a good child hood. Dissociation is simply just a defense machenism, Its just your brains way of letting you know your to over whelmed at the moment and it needs to take a step back. You'll get the strong feelings of love back I promise, DP just tends to suck all emotions out of you for the duration of it. Its really hard, But the best thing you can do it to try and ignore this awful feeling and go along with regular life. Hope you feel better soon x

#3 PositiveThinking!

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Posted 26 July 2012 - 04:01 AM

Yep that can definitely happen!

#4 amandah

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Posted 26 July 2012 - 08:40 PM

thanks everyone! I can officially accept that I do not have some odd suppressed memory as some therapy may suggest: )I guess the little things in life truly overwhelm my nervous system.

#5 missjess

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Posted 29 July 2012 - 09:58 PM

Hello,
I have been dealing with dissociation for the past few months. Well, actually it started suddenly when I was 18 (about 9 years ago). I was on the beach, making dinner and then getting a shower and it was like something hit me and I was dizzy and out of it and it didn't go away for a LONG time. I was diagnosed with depression with psychotic symptoms, even though I kept saying the dissociation was making me depressed! I ended up not going to college (at least not at that time) because I was totally freaking out and couldn't concentrate at all. I was also diagnosed and treated for Lymes disease, but antibiotics did not give me any immediate relief. I also was put on every type of antidepressant and nothing really made me feel wonderful. I became so self-conscious and insecure about myself.
Anyway, it gradually became a lot better...I finished college, got married and had my first child. I never felt better in those 2 years I was pregnant and then had my daughter. I felt so emotionally connected to my hubby and my little girl.
Well, when my daughter was about 18 months I became pregnant again with my second child. I was depressed and sick for much of my pregnancy. I had my son and still was no full on dissociating, but I felt a little off. I moved, got a new job and was adjusting to being a mom of 2 with an infant that NEVER slept for 8 months, so needless to say my life has had stressors in the past year. Is that enough to full on dissociate again? I had an "episode" this past October where I felt out of it and like everything was surreal. It never completely lifted, but I never let it fully control me either. Then in May I had a sever episode, where everything felt so unreal that I was actually having trouble discerning reality from these thoughts. At times now I still have trouble discerning reality from my weird thoughts. I feel foggy, tired, unable to concentrate, anxious and confused about these thoughts and what life is or isn't. I have been in therapy in the past and am currently in therapy again. I really had a wonderful childhood...I really would not have had emotional abuse from my parents and no sexual abuse from anyone that I can possibly remember. My mother was the worrier so I was never left with anyone EVER! I was always hard on myself as a child, wanted straight A's, wanted to be athletic, wanted to be pretty, etc... None of this was pushed on me by parents. In fact, my parents were the ones to tell me to relax. So, lately it comes and goes as I have been still functioning taking care of my kids. But I really am confused about my self, who I am, what life is, where I am within the universe...those sorts of existential questions. I should note I was raised in a Christian home and have struggled with doubt about my faith these past 9 years. My doubt scares me and makes me sad, but I feel out of control of it. The worst thing right now is I feel an emotional disconnect from my kids and my husbands, the ones I love the most. I have trouble connecting physically to my husband and my daughter (now 3.5) often irritates me. I want to feel that deep love like before.

So I guess ultimately my question is do people really have this intense dissociation just due to daily stressors without any childhood trauma????



I'm sorry to point out the obvious but you did in fact suffer from emotional abuse and neglect ... just from gathering what you said about you wanting to be perfect would suggest that you suffered emotional abuse you may think that your parents were amazing and of course they still can be but they failed to raise you properly by not giving you your emotional needs, if your mother was a worrier chances are you took on the parental role just to meet your mothers emotional needs whilst at the same time she neglected yours...

my mother is a worrier also and acts helpless ... I became the caretaker of her at a very young age hence rejecting my own emotional needs which in turn caused my issues

have you considered inner child work? a good thing you could do would be learning to give yourself what you need and self soothing...then you can teach your own children the same thing which in turn would save them!!

#6 amandah

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Posted 02 August 2012 - 08:11 PM

I'm sorry to point out the obvious but you did in fact suffer from emotional abuse and neglect ... just from gathering what you said about you wanting to be perfect would suggest that you suffered emotional abuse you may think that your parents were amazing and of course they still can be but they failed to raise you properly by not giving you your emotional needs, if your mother was a worrier chances are you took on the parental role just to meet your mothers emotional needs whilst at the same time she neglected yours...

my mother is a worrier also and acts helpless ... I became the caretaker of her at a very young age hence rejecting my own emotional needs which in turn caused my issues

have you considered inner child work? a good thing you could do would be learning to give yourself what you need and self soothing...then you can teach your own children the same thing which in turn would save them!!



I think your point is interesting. I never really thought about emotional needs so much...I am not sure I know what my emotional needs are! I do think I learned slightly neurotic behaviors from my mom with the worrying. She was really quite loving and nurturing though. If anything too loving! She was the mom that wanted to give hugs and kisses and I would just kind of cringe, because I am not that way. She supported me in all my endeavors, but I don't think she necessarily ever knew how to handle my personality. I never had to be a parent though. I was babied by everyone in my family. I am the only girl and the youngest, so my brothers, dad and mom did treat me like the princess!

What do you mean by inner child work? Also, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly was your situation like. How did you respond and address the issues you have as an adult? I am fearful of passing on any of these issues to my children.
Thanks!

#7 missjess

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Posted 06 August 2012 - 03:52 AM

I think your point is interesting. I never really thought about emotional needs so much...I am not sure I know what my emotional needs are! I do think I learned slightly neurotic behaviors from my mom with the worrying. She was really quite loving and nurturing though. If anything too loving! She was the mom that wanted to give hugs and kisses and I would just kind of cringe, because I am not that way. She supported me in all my endeavors, but I don't think she necessarily ever knew how to handle my personality. I never had to be a parent though. I was babied by everyone in my family. I am the only girl and the youngest, so my brothers, dad and mom did treat me like the princess!

What do you mean by inner child work? Also, if you don't mind me asking, what exactly was your situation like. How did you respond and address the issues you have as an adult? I am fearful of passing on any of these issues to my children.
Thanks!


Yes neither did I ever lol because they always got rejected whilst I was growing up ...the moment you start to repress your emotional needs is when emotional "illnesses" begin to arise

google inner child work online basically it's like reparenting yourself and asking yourself what you need throughout the day and eventually you will learn to have boundaries with people because you will be attuned to your "bodily needs" most people with DP are not in tune with there own needs and put everyone else first

hmmm where do i begin with my situation well I grew up in a verbally and physically abusive house hold I had issues with my father plus I was picked on in high school so yeah I started to hate myself etc and eventually I cut myself off from the world and people and now here I am ...oh drugs triggered my DP and anxiety I don't get anxiety anymore thank god

I do think i had BPD before panic attacks came about ... I am actually going to the Iboga house in 2 weeks time to relive my past and resolve some emotional issues

#8 missjess

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Posted 06 August 2012 - 03:56 AM

Something else that has also helped me is "the liberator method"

I had a weekly session with a holistic counselor in the US and each week we uncovered different layers of me and peeled them away we did "inner work" and released old beliefs and judgments I had about myself...basically when I had BPD my mind was in conflict and that is because there are different parts of you that grew up with different beliefs say for example you grew up and formed the belief that you are not good enough no matter what you do your mind will tell you your not good enough and you will sabotage everything then you wonder why you can't achieve anything etc

Meh it's been a struggle I am still here though I think the last of my healing will be to heal my emotions so I can feel for other people again and for life!

#9 missjess

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Posted 06 August 2012 - 03:56 AM

and yes neither of my parents knew how to deal with my personality either they just thought there was something wrong with me etc

#10 gdsfsasa

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Posted 09 August 2012 - 03:14 AM

thanks everyone! I can officially accept that I do not have some odd suppressed memory as some therapy may suggest: )I guess the little things in life truly overwhelm my nervous system.

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#11 Samaral

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 01:11 AM

Everything you wrote I relate to 100%..... everything xxo

#12 wise

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Posted 10 August 2012 - 02:09 AM

great points missjess




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