derealized since birth?
Posted 25 March 2012 - 07:30 PM
I'm 28; heard the word depersonalized for the first time this Friday. Been institutionalized 6 times now, was in Special ed as a kid, diagnosed with just about everything they could come up with, including shizoaffective, most convincingly with PTSD. I am a survivor of multiple abuses.
Looked up "depersonalized" yesterday and it fits, along with hallucinogen perception disorder, maladaptive daydreaming, and complex post traumatic stress disorder.
The only thing is, sans the specific PTSD symptoms (hypervigilance, hyper-responsiveness, serious-ass sleep disturbances,nightmares, flashbacks, etc) which came most acutely after specific and more heinous abuse incidents (rape, bahvorial "therapy" as defined by the troubled teen industry)-- sans all of that, I can't remember experiencing anything else.
I know that the world thinks the world is real. I know that other people seem to think that I am real, and feel that they themselves are. I know, with no small degree of anxiety, how to socially participate as if I myself held these assumptions. I generally prefer not to, however. Frankly, I don't understand a lot of the hang ups that other people have about so-called reality, social expectations, etc,and I don't really want to buy into it. A lot of it is actually nonsensical and bizarre.
I never have felt that I was real, or that the world was real. I remember seeing the trails, the floaters, the flashes and sparkling whizzes, feeling the depersonalization and derealization, the dream-like float of my feet and body on otherwise agreed-upon weight-laden surfaces, for as long as I can remember. It didn't alarm me until I realized that I was expected to act as if it was all real. The Matrix made more sense to me than anything else I had ever read or seen.
I don't know what feeling like something is real feels like. Hell, to be honest I didn't know that anyone did, until yesterday. In some ways I prefer my previous ignorance.
Has anyone else had this feeling for as long as they can remember?
Posted 25 March 2012 - 09:05 PM
Posted 14 April 2012 - 01:43 PM
Everyone else I see talking about their derealization says it's an on/off thing but for me it has never been off. I don't know what it's like to not have the constant feeling that this is somehow all a dream or a movie. I feel like I lose time even though I know exactly what I was doing all day and no time was actually lost. Kind of like someone else was in control of my body and mind but I now hold the memories and things only get even movie real when I sit down and force myself to think about life being real. ...That was long but I've never told anyone that before so thanks for listening!
Posted 03 May 2012 - 01:15 PM
Posted 04 May 2012 - 04:32 PM
Posted 06 May 2012 - 04:30 AM
I felt really off for the last few weeks, like throwing up and nothing was real, but I'm coming out of it now. I have to tell myself that I am my body as well as my mind, like my brain creates not only my thoughts, but also that I live through my senses, that my senses are my way of living and without them, how could I possibly exist. They create my thought. And today, now that I've kinda snapped out of it, time has gone twice as fast, everything smells stronger, my senses seem to be heightened.
What I'm really amped about is that I have felt my emotions these two distinct times for a split second when hugging two different people closely. It felt so real, like what a billion years of natural evolution has made me out to be. And what I do to feel any type of emotion is like a whisper in the wind to what I would naturally feel, but I wonder that what I need is someone to trust, someone I can cry in front of. Instead of this peaceful quiet nothing. When I felt it the first time I can remember it perfectly and it's like my entire way of acting just stopped, I stopped doing anything. I didn't want to be a perfect person for society anymore, I want be real.
I'm also wondering if there is someone else out there just seems to get 'it', and would like someone to see me, not the characters I create my entire life.
Posted 06 May 2012 - 04:33 PM
Posted 08 May 2012 - 06:46 PM
Hello...all you special people...I only came across this the other day....always searching for an answer...is it depression..what is wrong with me....i feel strange....as if i am out of a box...looking in...in a trance...laid back...and I used to be a go getter....scared of nothing....is it chemical....am I going nuts....I have lost everything in the past 5 years....I don't know where to turn to...I am going through a divorce...living in a little bachelor flat....cabin fever delux!!!! lonely!!! must I just end it?
Hey gb, dw man, I honestly don't think it's better to just end it. - lol, I always feel as though I'm in some trance... - Your not going nuts, probably the opposite. - It sucks that your getting a divorce.
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